Stopping a Touchy-Feely Co-Worker in His Tracks

Dear Neighbor Lady,

My employer recently hired a stay-at-home dad coming out of retirement. As a working mom I appreciate the trade offs between home and work, so I would be more than willing to help him get back into the swing of things. However, he's rubbing me the wrong way... literally. On more than one occasion he has touched my arm or shoulder. It's come to the point that I cringe when he comes to my cube. I don't think he intends it in a sexual way, but I don't see him acting the same way with our mostly male coworkers. I can imagine that it is difficult to jump back into a career and he is a little self-conscious, so I'm trying to figure out how to approach this without creating another uncomfortable situation. Please help!

Untouchable...kinda

Dear Untouchable,

You are understanding of this gentleman’s situation, however, I am not quite understanding what you feel you have to do other than be a regular co-worker to support his move back into the workplace. If you are polite and professional you should be good. What you don’t have to do is tolerate behavior from the new-hire that makes you want to flee from the office. 

Who knows when the term ‘personal space’ was coined? To me, it rings of the 1980s when Oprah hit the scene and Americans began learning lots of pop-psychology terms. Oprah’s nearly done with her show, but this term still holds its meaning today. 

In our country, we like to keep a nice, inviolable circle of buffer space between each individual. Start messing with that, and it had better be for good and valid reason and not just because someone isn’t thinking about what they are doing. I don’t see any reason why you can’t remind this gentleman of the importance of the buffer. 

I can think of strategies that could be used to drop hints but the clearest message is the best. You can be gentle, and just obtuse enough to not seem critical. But you do have to actually speak the key words to make sure the message gets home: No touching ... At work ... Human Resources ... Respect. And, as any parenting manual will tell you, you have to strike with your correction when the iron is hot—that is, in the moment he touches you. 

The offending touch could even help you. Since you’ll be irritated at him, you can tap that energy to get over any reluctance you might have to speaking up. 

Start your message with a visual clue: When he touches you, immediately jump as though you have just been startled! Go ahead and yelp a little, too; that will help get his attention. You want him to link his behavior with your reaction to realize that he just did something out of the ordinary and offensive. 

Now, support the validity of your reaction by mentioning how not only is not touching the norm around this workplace, the-powers-that-be are part of making that be true: 

Apologize and say, “Sorry about that! I’m not used to people touching me at work. I’m sure you noticed I’m one of very few women around here. I think HR beat it into the guys that they had better keep their hands to themselves! I guess I’ve gotten used to the respect.”