What the world needs now

What the world needs now . . . is someone to answer the phone. Really. With all the fighting in the world, with all the nastiness, with all the confusion, with masses of men and women lost in phone swamps, stuck on hold and tortured by bad music—the answer is obvious. We need people, real people to answer the phones.

Since 1876 when Alexander Graham Bell spoke the words, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you,” technology has brought us closer together. Or has it?

Here’s how Bell’s call to Watson might have sounded today. Ring-a-ling. Three ring-a-lings. Then:

“Hello, you have reached the phone line of Thomas Watson, senior technician in the Bell Laboratory. If this is an emergency, please hang up and call 911.”

“Watson,” Alexander yells into the receiver, “this is Bell. Pick up!”

The voice on the other end continues: “Please know that for training purposes, your call is being recorded.”

“Thunder and blazes, Watson, what are you playing at. I have something important to show you.”

Watson: “Your call is very important to me, so please select from the following options.”

Bell: “Watson, you confounded idiot, you’re working for me. How do you like the option of losing your job?”

Watson: “Please stay on the line while I connect you with a customer representative.”

Bell: “Wait till I connect you to your maker, Watson.”

At this point, Bell puts his instrument down, strides into an adjacent room and, grabbing Watson by the scruff of the neck, drags him into the lab to see what he has invented. The rest is history.

We owe much to Bell, and to Watson. An inventor in his own right, Watson’s improvements in function and sound quality made the phone a practical and necessary tool. It’s what we’ve done with phone communication that has caused us problems.

Sometimes, as I’m on hold, listening to scratchy elevator music or getting another sales pitch, I wonder if I’m going up a one-way street. Everyone wants to get in touch with me, but no one wants to take my call.

The worst is when the voice tells you to go online. I get this from my bank, my doctor’s office (use the “patient portal”) and when I want Kentucky Fried Chicken. I recently got through to the KFC in Woburn. “I’d like a 20-piece bucket, mixed light and dark,” I said.

“We only take orders online now,” a young woman’s voice said.

“Really?” I replied. “Can’t you key it in while I’m talking to you?”

“Sorry, sir,” you’ll need to go on to our web site and put in your order.” My saliva glands collapsed, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

They say people everywhere; from pre-school to board rooms are feeling the stress. Bad behavior abounds on the highway, in airplanes and on the street. Car accidents are up. So are gun violence and drug overdoses.

I’m not saying this is the solution for world peace, but perhaps it’s a piece of the solution. Let’s bring back a disappearing profession, the telephone receptionist. Let’s demand that companies use a fraction of their marketing budgets to shift into personnel. Let’s require our institutions to train and equip real human beings to answer our calls.

How often has talking with a kind, competent receptionist helped us to solve our problems, set us on the right path? Warmed us with empathy. Talk about stress reduction. I was so relieved the other day when I called my dentist’s office. It’s a big practice with several dentists, hygienists and techs. I steeled myself for the phone swamp, for the menu options. But no. No canned voice, no “quality-assurance” nonsense.

“Good morning,” a pleasant voice said. “How can I help you today?” I almost cried. It’s what the world needs now.