Punishing Kids With Spanking: A Touchy Subject

Laurie Hunt
Spanking children upsets me very deeply.  Now that I am a parent I truly do understand how one can get so darn frustrated with a child, I really do. What I don’t understand is how anyone can think that striking out in anger is productive. Isn’t it a big part of our job as the adult to model good behavior? Model self-control? I also think it is scary to think of a grown adult lashing out at a small child when the adult is frustrated and/or angry. The results can be disastrous both physically and mentally for the child.

I am a big fan of Dr. Sears; here is a great article that shows 10 reasons not to hit your child.  And lastly I will leave you with a story by Astrid Lindgren that I think sums up the topic of spanking nicely.

"Above all, I believe there should never be any violence. In 1978 I received a peace price in West Germany for my books, and I gave an acceptance speech that I called just that. 'Never Violence.' And in that speech I told a story from my own experience."

"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard practice at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking – the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, 'Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me.'

"All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from a child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery -- one can raise children into violence."

Holly DeSouza
I read an article a few days back that hit every nerve in my body: a mother of three who had never been in any trouble with the law (or anyone else, as far as had been noticed) received five years probation for spanking her toddler. The grandmother, also known as the woman’s mother-in-law, noticed the child’s bum was red – not bruised, not broken, not permanently discolored – and took her to the emergency room. I do not know this family personally and realize the old adage “you can’t just a book by its cover” was written for situations such as this, however my gut tells me the mother was not abusing the toddler and the mother-in-law shouldn’t expect her daughter-in-law to be toasting to her health at the next family function  Yet this is not the part that bothered me the most. 

What actually enraged me was the comment the judge made when he sentenced the mother.  And I quote:"In the old days, maybe we got spanked, but there was a different quarrel. You don't spank children. You understand?”

I don’t understand. 

I am one of five kids who had all been spanked. It won’t shock you to know I hated it growing up. It also probably won’t shock you to find out I decided I was going to be a better parent and would not spank – I would communicate and use time outs when needed. Not terribly far into my journey as a loving and involved parent did the reality of raising my child without fear of consequences rear its ugly head.

I have a great kid and will shout it from the rooftops if you ask me to.  She’s smart, fun, outgoing, and spunky. All those qualities are wonderful ~ they are also part of her ammunition when she is acting up. She will use every tool in her emotional tool kit against me in order to get what she wants when she wants it. She does not have experiences on her side to fall back on and realize what is right and what is not so right. As her mother, part of my job is to help her develop that moral compass. She will slowly learn a well-rounded individual is someone who understands and respects you won’t always get what you want and you need to learn how to work with that. I have to start small and help her develop those emotional and psychological building blocks as she matures. 

I read all of the parenting books, watched Dr. Phil and Super Nanny, and talked ad nauseam to other parents and teachers.  I tried talking to Lexi on her level and explaining to her after she misbehaves for a myriad of reasons why it is not appropriate behavior, should not happen again, blah blah blah. She has most definitely had her fair share of time outs. And she has played me for a fool. She was not afraid of the consequences if they consist of a conversation and sitting on a stair alone for a matter of minutes (I used the common calculation of one minute for each year of age)  If there is no respect for the consequences at four years old, how is that going to build any sense of respect for right and wrong? 

One day, out of complete and total frustration because of my belligerent child, I was complaining to my mother that I was failing as a parent because Lexi Just. Would. Not. Behave. My mother’s response? You need to start spanking. Spare the rod, spoil the child.  Against what I had ever thought I would do, it resonated with me and I fell back on it the next time she misbehaved. I talked with her at eye level and explained why what she did was wrong and should not happen again (she obliged me). A few minutes later after the second repeat offense, she sat in time out and was told why she was in time out.  A few minutes later, after the third offense, I swatted her bum.  I did not beat her, did not bruise her or leave a mark, even, and only spanked her once.  She was shocked and stopped dead in her tracks.  I told (warned?) her that she knows better and there needs to be punishment when she breaks the rules or misbehaves. She will be talked to, then sit in time out, then spanked if all else fails. 

Let me share with you the extreme change. She is not afraid of me and we are not raising our daughter under the guise that respect equates fear. What she is is a child who knows she will receive a spanking if she continues to misbehave. There is a path of punishment she will travel down if she does not change her behavior.  Does she still misbehave? Of course. And does she push the limits to see if I will follow through?  Absolutely. But the episodes of extreme misbehavior are fewer and farther between.

If the judge in Texas would like to disrobe and spend some time with my daughter in her element for a few days and THEN evaluate whether or not my parenting skills are wrong, my door will be open to her. I would also challenge that same judge to keep in touch with the parents she is butting her nose into their personal lives and see how the kids who are not allowed to be spanked are doing. My gut tells me she’ll meet up with them again as she has stripped their parents of what should have been their first and foremost responsibility ~ raising children to be honorable and respectful adults.  Just as this method of discipline does not work with every child, taking a hard stance and not spanking children does not work with every child, either. 

Tasha Schlake Festel
A friend of mine told me a story about his childhood once. I’m a little fuzzy on the specifics, but this is how I remember it:

He was about 8 years old, as I recall, and he had done something naughty. His father grabbed the paddle to administer punishment. While whacking his bum, the paddle broke and the punishment ceased. My friend was excited to get off easy after only a few whacks. He happily went on his way and his father went to his workshop. Hours later and covered in sawdust, his father emerged from the workshop. In his hand was a shiny new paddle, sanded smooth, with a grooved handle and ample surface area for spanking. The new paddle was quickly broken in as the punishment resumed. When it was over, the paddle was put back on the shelf, ready for the next offender.

While my friend laughed as he recalled this childhood memory, I remember being horrified. In stark contrast, I was never spanked, paddled or struck in any way as a child. (My parents went with the guilt trip, which, for me, was much more emotionally scarring and effective!) The idea of intentionally inflicting pain on a helpless child was offensive to me on every level.

Then I had kids.

I am not a spanker, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never spanked my children. I’m not talking about old-school spankings like my friend experienced. I’m talking about a smack on the bottom to break a tantrum or to get a child’s attention when they’re not listening and insisting on running out into traffic in a busy Target parking lot. Not that anything like that would ever happen.

Nothing in my life has ever had the power to make me as angry (or as happy) as my children. There have been times when I wanted nothing more than to whale away on their bottoms until I didn’t have enough strength to raise my arm. There are days when I jealously think of that paddle and long for one of my own. But I resist the sometimes overwhelming urge. Most of the time.

My first choice from the Menu of Punishments is a large helping of Stern Discussion. This is sometimes served with a side of Guilt Trip. When they completely ignore me, I order a little bit of Time Out. The 3rd course is often Yelling like a Banshee, a la carte. Sometimes I have to order a Spanking for dessert. It happens. It ain’t pretty and I ain’t proud. But sometimes it’s the only thing that works to break a cycle and get their attention. When used appropriately, spanking can be effective and sometimes more kind than the other choices from the menu. My kids recoil from yelling, with a look of terror in their eyes. And I worry about the future counseling sessions brought on by over-use of guilt tripping. It seems that a swat on the bottom can sometimes end a behavior quickly and allow the good times to resume with no emotional scarring.

I went through a time where I spanked much more than I care to admit – or remember. It was a dark time, both in my mood and in my children’s behavior. I had so much anger that sometimes I would completely blow up at my children. I was out of control and filled with rage and my kids suffered. I wasn’t exacting a punishment. I was having my own tantrum at the expense of my kids. It was then that I started exercising regularly and taking kick boxing. I love to beat the crap out of those punching bags! It’s not as if I imagine my children’s pictures on the bags – I honestly don’t. But it serves as a release. I still get angry. The difference is that I now have a constructive way to get it out. Spankings are very rare now and we’re all much happier.

Spanking can be effective, but can cross the line into abuse. If you feel like you’re out of control, you need to stop yourself, be an adult, and make the changes you need to make to keep yourself and your children safe. Talk to your friends, your spouse, your physician, the school psychologist, someone you can trust. Be strong and do right by yourself and your kids.

Regina Martine
A few years ago, I read Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder aloud to my kids. There is a scene where Mary is bragging about how her golden hair is so beautiful and Laura’s hair is the color of dirt. Five-year old Laura finally gets fed up with her older sister going on and on about how everyone thinks she is so much prettier, so she slaps her across the face. Her father sees her do it and says only “I told you never to strike each other,” Then he takes a leather strap off the wall and beats her with it.

My kids were horrified. “He hit her with a belt to teach her not to hit? That doesn’t make any sense.” No, it doesn’t.  Not only had they never heard of a child being hit as a punishment, they immediately saw the irony of the situation.

I want my kids to behave because they understand that it is what is expected of them and that they will be “in trouble” if they don’t.  In our house, that trouble usually means losing TV or video game time, or in extreme cases missing an event like a birthday party.  We have never had to follow through with that last one. So far the threat has been enough to keep them in line. So far, these kinds of punishments have been pretty effective – as have sticker charts and marble jars to reward the good behavior rather than punishing the bad.

This is not to say I have never swatted my kids’ butts in the heat of the moment out of anger or frustration, I certainly have. However, I have never used spanking as a punishment. I have given time outs and taken away privileges, but I have never threatened to hurt my children if they don’t behave. To me, there is a world of difference between swatting a bottom to get the attention of a toddler in the throes of a tantrum (or in my case, smacking my daughter’s hand with a spoon because she kept sticking it into the carton of ice cream I was scooping … oops) and using the threat of physical pain to control a child’s behavior.  I don’t want my kids to think that getting hit is an appropriate punishment for being bad. I am not proud of the times I have smacked my children. I apologized profusely at the time saying that it is just as bad for me to lash out in anger as it is for them. I have even given myself time outs to calm down and get control of my emotions.

One of the best punishments we have come up with is having the kids write a paper about what they did wrong and why they won’t do it again. They hate it, but they do it, and it forces them to go to their room and “think about what they’ve done.” By the time they are finished, everyone has cooled off a little and can talk about the problem a lot more calmly. Bad behavior needs to have consequences, but I don’t think a spanking needs to be one of them.

Peggy Barresi
I was raised by my grandparents, so you can assume corporal punishment was included in my upbringing. It was, however, saved for truly heinous transgressions, like the time I carved my initials into an antique lacquered Japanese folding screen. In such instances, my grandfather would say, “Bring me the belt. The skinny one that really hurts.” Sometimes I’d get a few lashings, nothing really serious, and sometimes the threat and my fear were deemed punishment enough.

The thing is, I knew when I was doing something wrong. Getting yelled at, losing privileges, or being belted were not really deterrents. They were consequences I lived with. What really made me feel bad was when I disappointed my grandparents. Guilt is a potent emotion.

I never really made a conscious decision to not spank my own kids. It was just not “done” anymore. I also never found it necessary, although I do remember losing my patience one time and throwing Leah hard on her bed when she was around three years old. It freaked both of us out, and I never did anything like it again. If I wanted my kids to not be violent, shouldn’t I be the primary role model?

For my kids, non-corporal consequences seemed to be enough to help control their behavior. And, let’s not forget the old “we’re disappointed in you” speech. It still works wonders. I understand that some people might find it necessary to spank their kids, for whatever reason. If so, I hope they do so when it’s truly warranted. I can’t stand seeing kids getting spanked in a store, simply because they’re whining about not getting something they want. You know these kids are getting hit for every little misbehavior, which really undermines the severity of the punishment. I don’t understand how these parents explain to their kids that hitting others is wrong. If you feel spanking is necessary, then do so when your kids have done something really wrong. Hopefully it will mean something then.