Your Wheel of Support: Your Definition of Support (Part 2)

It is especially important and difficult to honestly ask for the kind of help and support we want. Others are not mind readers. Do you want advice? Do you want to be held? Would you like someone to quietly listen? Ask yourself these questions, then find the courage to communicate what you want, sensitively, respectfully, and never in the heat of the moment.

We have the right to ask, not to demand. For example, I can call my friend when I am down and say “something is bothering me, do you have five or ten minutes to just listen?” This is different from calling her up, dumping my stuff, and then getting angry when she gives me unwanted advice. Beliefs like “if he really loved me he’d know what I need!” are out. Expectations based on mind reading usually lead to hostility directed at others, because they cannot live up to these unspoken, and often unrealistic, expectations.

Ask yourself:

1. How do I want to be supported when I am happy, angry, worried, frightened, sad and sick? What do I want people around me to do? What is helpful?
2. What characteristics are important for the people in my positive support system? List them. As I build a relationship, how can I let others know who I really am and what I want in life (not demand)? Hint: I can dare to be vulnerable as I learn to trust others and develop appropriate expectations.
3. What is something I can say to myself when nothing seems to be going right?
4. Who do I know of that is a positive role model for me? How does this person inspire me? I can ask myself what that person might do in my situation, and then behave as if I am doing the same.
5. Keep a success journal with every good thing, big and small, that happens. Each day, write down the three best things that happened that day, and why they happened. You might find yourself to be one of your own best support people!