Littleton Widow Explains How She Copes with Loss

Five weeks following the loss of her beloved, “larger than life” husband of 15 years, Craig, Ann-Marie began attending the VNA Care Bereavement Group meetings.

“I felt an almost immediate need to connect with people who were going through the same thing,” said Ann-Marie, who describes her grief as “wearing her down to a point where she sometimes felt as if her heart was really breaking.” She continued, “My grief over my loss is as deep as my love for Craig.”

Ann-Marie’s husband was in the piano moving business for most of his life. He always enjoyed the interactions he shared with people in the musical community, but he loved the work they did during the Christmas season in particular. He and his team often delivered pianos to children who were receiving them as a holiday gift from their parents or grandparents. Seeing the pure joy on childrens’ faces when his moving crew showed up at their house with a piano in tow was something that would never tire him. “He always had a soft spot for children,” Ann-Marie remembers.

The couple were best friends and did just about everything together. Every year they would travel to Key West just before Christmas. They would often make the trek to Tanglewood. Dining out with friends, going to concerts and gardening were constant weekend happenings. They spent many lazy Sundays at home, went to brunch or simply hopped in the car for a long drive.

Their entire world was turned upside down when Craig was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer in early November of 2014.

When Ann-Marie drove her husband home from the hospital after a month-long stay, he asked her to promise him that he would never have to go back. The last couple of months had been a flurry of long and painful trips in and out of Boston for chemotherapy treatments and doctor appointments. Craig was very sick and, perhaps, equally tired of being poked, prodded and hooked up to machines. He knew his time was coming.

The couple turned to hospice care soon after returning home. The following weeks were filled with visits from the hospice care team. Nurses, social workers, and chaplains helped ease Craig’s pain and helped both him and Ann-Marie prepare for what to expect as Craig’s illness progressed.

It became clear rather quickly that even with support, Ann-Marie would not be able provide the level of care that Craig needed, including 24-hour-care, pain management and monitoring throughout the day. After speaking with the hospice team, Ann-Marie and Craig decided that a hospice residence was far more equipped to offer the level of care needed to handle Craig’s condition.

The couple made the decision to have Craig live out his last experiences at VNA Care’s Rose Monahan hospice home in Worcester. “The experience of a hospice residence was completely different than a hospital – the focus became providing Craig with all the care he needed while making him as comfortable as possible,” Ann-Marie said. “His new home was quiet, and provided a foundation of emotional support that helps me to this day; because of hospice, I was able to keep my promise to him – he never went back to the hospital,” she continued.

Like most patients and families, Ann-Marie and Craig never fully understood what hospice care really meant until that type of care became necessary for them. They knew that hospice care was for those with a terminal illness. What they didn’t know was how much more hospice can do for the patient and their family. Instead of trying to cure a disease, hospice focuses on providing physical comfort and emotional support, so that life can be lived as fully as possible, preserving dignity and respecting patient choice.

Hospice also cares for the entire family. Amy Daley, Hospice Residence Manager at Rose Monahan says, “We often become a type of extended family; we make sure our patients are comfortable while offering the family invaluable respite time and coping support. After their loved one passes, we don’t disappear, that’s key.” She continues, “We provide support and services to family and friends long after their loved one’s passing. Grief is hard to understand and grasp until you’re experiencing it for yourself. Our bereavement councilors are skilled at helping those left behind navigate an incredibly difficult time in their lives.”

Craig bravely battled until April 28, 2016 when he passed away at the Rose Monahan hospice residence.

When Ann-Marie began experiencing the devastating effects of life without Craig, she decided to take the advice of the chaplain from Rose Monahan and enlist the services of a VNA Care Bereavement support group.

In a group setting, bereavement support gives you the opportunity to talk freely about the hardships involved in living life without your loved one. “It helps you to see that you are not suffering alone, you are not going crazy, and what you faced with is very similar to the experiences of others” Ann-Marie added.

As someone who is still coping grief, Ann-Marie spends an abundance of time alone with thoughts that are often difficult to process. A group setting provides an escape from the loneliness associated with losing her husband and allows her to meet other people who are in a similar grief stage or people who are further along in the process of healing. “Hearing personal, powerful stories on how they have found ways to heal gives me a sense of hope,” Ann- Marie affirmed.

Today, a year after losing her life partner, Ann-Marie is still attending VNA Care’s Bereavement support groups. She reports that she still enjoys traveling, but has had to push herself to continue exploring without Craig. She has been able to take weekend trips to Vermont, a weekend in the city of Boston, and recently went on a very spiritual trip to Sedona, Arizona. She is very hopeful that as time goes by she will enjoy life more easily but right now her grief still feels “very raw”.

For more information on bereavement support in your area, please visit www.vnacare.org.