New Year's Resolutions for Everyone Except Me

If Bill Kalmar has his way, Kim Kardashian and her reality-TV ilk will just fade away. (Photo via Creative Commons)

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By Bill Kalmar

I’m perfect, so there’s no need to change

As a retired senior citizen, I no longer have to make any New Year’s resolutions because changes to my lifestyle at this juncture could be injurious to my health, well-being, and mental acuity. So I’ve decided to make resolutions for others in our society. I know you will understand; if not, just chalk it up to my increasing senility.

For 2015, here is what I resolve:

That all wait staff in restaurants pay attention to me while taking my order and quit looking around to view other activities that may be going on in the restaurant. If I am not the center of attention, then perhaps my waiter should extract the tip for my meal from the people he is so attracted to. Is it too much to ask that the wait staff at least appear to be focused and interested in providing me with exceptional customer service?

I resolve that if an alarm sounds when leaving a department store or a grocery store because the clerk failed to take appropriate action in removing the “ink tag” the merchandise should be free. The embarrassment of setting off the alarm by the customer should be cause for some type of reimbursement!

I also resolve that all business calls I make in 2015 will not contain the message, “For quality purposes this call may be recorded or monitored by a supervisor.” Do we really believe that someone is hired specifically to listen to phone calls all day?

I resolve that people who commandeer motorized carts for use in grocery and retail stores be informed that they do not have “right of way”. How about only allowing these vehicles during certain times that way the drivers can engage in bumper car games thus saving them a trip to the local amusement park.

I resolve that all doctor and dentist appointments take patients at the time of their scheduled appointment. Yes, I realize that it is called a “waiting room,” but let’s be reasonable. Waiting longer than 20 minutes past the scheduled appointment time should mean there will be no charge for the appointment.

I resolve that all establishments that imprint a survey request on receipts provide me with on-the-spot reimbursement for completing the survey. Over the years I have completed surveys for every department store, coffee shop, bagel store, and sundry other establishments without benefit of a thank you. Sure, the receipt indicates that I have been entered into a drawing for $5,000, but I doubt it.

“If I sound like deranged Howard Beale from ’Networks’ when he said, ’I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore,’ so be it.”

I resolve that there be no more so-called “TV reality shows.” Do we care what the Kardashians are doing in their everyday shallow lives? And what’s with the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” shows where single men and women attempt to win the heart of some guy or gal in a display of bucolic activities that demonstrates why these unattached participants are still unwed – they are all shallow and greedy!

These are just some of the 2015 resolutions for everyone but me. If I sound like deranged Howard Beale from “Network” when he said, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore,” so be it. At my age I think I’ve earned it, and yes, I am feeling a bit deranged from service expectations not being to my liking and television shows that continue to demonstrate what Newton Minow former Federal Communications Commission Chairman said back in 1961 that television was a “vast wasteland”.

And just so you don’t think that I have completely gone bonkers, I do want to make one resolution of my own. I resolve that 2015 be your best year ever, and that you are always surrounded by family and friends and lots of laughter.

If some of my resolutions have left you perplexed and troubled, just keep in mind the words of comedian Joey Adams: “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

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William J. Kalmar has extensive business experience, including service with a Fortune 500 bank and the Michigan Quality Council, of which he served as director from 1993 through 2003. He served on the Board of Overseers of the Baldrige Performance Excellence Program and has been a Baldrige examiner. He was also named quality professional of the year by the ASQ Detroit chapter. Now semi-retired, Kalmar does freelance writing for several publications. He is a member of the USA Today Vacation Panel, a mystery shopper for several companies, and a frequent presenter and lecturer.