The Marriage Is Over

Dear Jim,

I want a divorce. I am taking the kids, and I'm really hoping that JJ amounts to something someday. I am also taking the house, because it's such a Big House. You can have everything else.

It didn't have to be this way, but really, would it have killed you to bring home some Roses every now and then? Would it have killed you to take us somewhere fancy once in awhile? And no, I do not consider the Outback, very fancy. In fact, I consider it an insult.

How come you can't be more like your Uncle Lloyd? He used to always do nice things. I remember that he always loved to bring nice things home, and they would decorate the the hall with them. Remember the hall? Where they have all the nice pictures of the kids, and Grandpa Bo? How come you can't do anything like that? All we have in our house, are pictures of you hanging from trees, and of course, the pictures of your crazy Uncle Rich. I am glad that I'll never have to see him for Thanksgiving dinner again!

Another thing I am sick of, and not going to put up with anymore, is you always picking fights with that guy that lives in the other neighborhood. You know, the one just south of us? You're always picking fights with him, and he's always kicking your teeth in. Your Uncle Lloyd never put up with that crap, and neither did Grandpa Bo. Honestly, it's like night and day between you guys! And speaking of relatives, you even let your little brothers pick on you! Your little brothers! How am I supposed to put up with that?

Anyway Jim, I want a divorce. Call it a 7 year itch, call it whatever you want, but we need to part ways. You invite all these people over on weekends, every single fall, and then you do something stupid to embarrass the whole family. We can't even take you to other people's houses, without you embarrassing us! This last weekend was the last straw. Your little brother invites us to a party, and you come home with a black eye? Actually it was 2 black eyes, if you count last year, but who's counting anymore?

So like I said, I want a divorce. We have a prenuptial agreement, so money is not an issue, but I get the kids, and I get the house, because like I said, it is a very big house, and I owned it long before you got here. I will find somebody who will raise the kids properly. Get them great educations, teach them to stick up for themselves, and teach them to be successful in every single thing that they do. Sorry it has to end this way, but I've given you every single chance in the world, and you have failed our family in more ways than I can count.

Maybe you can move in with your older brother John. I know that he used to pick on you as well, but he called me today, and he seems to feel very sorry for you. So move in with John for now, and he can teach you some things, and maybe he can get you back on your feet again. I really don't care. It was just a suggestion.

Respectfully,

Wolverine Nation