Reset Button: Believing in Me

It’s been years since I remember feeling anything but hopelessness.  Don’t let that statement fool you; I don’t mean it literally.  Of course there have been days of joy, laughter, fun, sex; all of that. A better way of wording it is it’s been years since I’ve believed in myself.

I started law school in the fall of 2007.  I never thought much about what would happen after I graduated and passed the bar.  I think I just assumed a decent salary would be in order right out of the gate.  My girlfriend (if I had one) and I would get engaged.  Marriage would be next, followed by a promotion of some sort.  Life would be great for me…in my imaginary world where I reigned as Supreme Lord over all I surveyed.  Alas, my kingdom was short lived (even if only in my mind).

I started off horribly.  It’s not as if I expected law school to be a breeze.  I didn’t.  I did, however, expect to do well.  Ok, I expected to do really well.  That wasn’t the case at all.  I wasn’t very engaged right from the beginning.  I wasn’t dedicating enough time to my studies. Sure, I attended class, and read the cases, but my briefs were crap.  More than that, I didn’t even recognize just how bad they were because I understood (for the most part) the class discussions, and when I was called upon I (pretty much) always had the right answer.  The answers weren’t sticking though.  I was doing exactly what I did during my undergrad; I studied hard for what I knew was coming, instead of trying to master the material.  I didn’t set anything to memory.  Not good.

As my studies were starting to go poorly, I began eating way too much.  At this point, I think it would be prudent of me to tell you that I have a "mild" eating disorder.  I was never diagnosed with anything, but some things you just know. 
Anyway, my routine was set pretty early on.  Food was going to get me through my hard times while I attend MSU.

My day would begin pretty much the same.  I would usually wake up around
6:45-7:15 a.m., and start reading my case books right away.  Try as I did, it wasn’t long (usually an hour and a half or so) before I would need to take a nap; which I usually allowed myself.  I would then wake up, and if it was Tuesday or Thursday, I would go to the gym for about an hour.  If it wasn’t, I would call my girlfriend at the time, who I would usually talk to for about a half hour.  Then back to the books.  At this point, I could usually study until around 2:00 p.m.  Then it was time for a light snack, which almost always depended upon what I had eaten the night before (more on that later).  Then a quick shower to wake myself up, so that I could finish my readings and write out my briefs before whatever classes I had that night. 

Classes usually started around 5:00 p.m.  For me, I had two classes every night Monday through Friday.  Once classes let out, around 9:00 p.m., it was reward time.  I would say at least three nights out of the week, class was quickly followed by a call to an Asian restaurant (Chinese, Korean, Thai; I love them all).  It was
not uncommon for me to spend anywhere between $25 and $40 dollars on food.  The best part is that the Asian food wasn’t enough. 

Because my carry out orders would usually take about 30 minutes or more, I had enough time to get a slice (ok, two or three slices) of pizza, or a burger and fries while I waited for my takeout.  Sick right?  So, by 9:45, and before I would even make it home, I would have already eaten pizza, or a hamburger, or both.  And let us not forget the Coca-Cola that I had to have to go with it.  Then it was off to indulge myself in the culinary excellence of the Far East. 

After picking up my carryout, and while driving home, is when I would usually call my girlfriend.  Since I was already pretty full with the pizza/burger, I was able to talk to her for an hour or so before my patience would run thin and I had to eat my Asian food.  At this time, it would be around 11:00 p.m.  I would then eat a full (and boy do I mean full) meal. Egg-or-spring rolls (yup, plural), soup, some other exotic appetizer, and then whatever meals (plural again) I had ordered that night.  Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t eat the whole order.  I would merely sample a bit of everything.  That way I had stuff left over for lunch the next day.  I would usually call my dad to say good night, and then call my girlfriend to do the same.  This is when the insomnia would set in. 

I had always slept with a T.V., or I have for as long as I can remember.  But at law school, I couldn’t afford to put cable in my room, and in the living room, so I didn’t.  I also vaguely remember thinking that I was planning on starting a new thing where I didn’t sleep with the T.V.  Bad choice (for me anyway).  So, since I couldn’t go in my room to sleep, I would try to read some cases.  Usually, I couldn’t concentrate enough.  I would then go out to the couch and watch the television, or a movie.  This would go on for a good few hours.  Somewhere between 1:30-2:00 a.m., I would get the boredom hunger pains.  I would be so
exhausted that all I could think about was sleep and food.  Now even though I would almost always have some leftovers from dinner, I wouldn’t eat them.  No, the usual custom was for me to then go out and stop at either Taco Bell, or Wendy’s (yes another burger).  I could, and most certainly did, spend
another $10 or more on fast food.  Sure there were nights when I would just call up the late night cookie place and get $15 worth of cookies and brownies, but most of the time it was tacos and burgers.  More often than not, I would eat a majority of the food in the car, and then finish the remaining food once I got home.  A few texts to the girlfriend to let her know I was having another sleepless night, and then finally…sleep.  It was usually somewhere between 3:00-3:45 a.m. when I would actually fall asleep. And that was that.  That was my typical school day.

A few weeks of that and my self-esteem was in the crapper.  Needless to say, the gym wasn’t helping that much when you are routinely ingesting over 4,000 calories a day.  Even when I started going three and sometimes four days a week, it wasn’t enough to combat the massive food consumption I was undergoing.  Unsurprisingly, I was falling apart.  Although I was successful in completing over a year of studies at MSU, I made the very hard decision to leave law school and move back home.

Upon my return, I fell into a six month funk of depression.  While I wasn’t eating half as bad as I was up at State, I still had 80 extra pounds of me to contend with.  I was tired all the time, and hated to work out.  On top of that, jobs were not easy to come by.

I spent 6 days a week, 6-8 hours a day looking for a job to no avail.  That’s not to say that I wasn’t offered some jobs, but between my schooling and my management experience, the jobs I was offered seemed trivial, and I turned them down.  With that state of entitlement, I didn’t work for almost half a year.  I then took a job, but only because my savings were nearly completely gone. Throughout all of this time, my relationships suffered as well. 

I never wanted to go out (because of all the weight I had put on), and my friends
and my girlfriend were not too pleased.  I wouldn’t hang out with them unless it was in a controlled environment where I wouldn’t run into people who didn’t know all of the bad things that had happen to me since I left for school.  Obviously,
I needed to change.  I can’t say exactly how long I muddled through life that way, but I do know when I decided to change.

It was the end of September 2010, and I remember lying in bed thinking that the
only thing I had in my life that made me somewhat happy was my girlfriend of
the time.  It had a profound effect on me, but not in the way one would think.  I
knew that even though I hated to go out, I was a great boyfriend; romantic, complimentary, and true.  I did everything I could to make her happy.  I then tried to think what it was that she did for me.  Nothing came to mind.  That’s not to say that she was a bad person, but just not the kind of woman I wanted to date.  Not the kind of woman I needed, if I needed one at all.  So I made up my mind.

I thought about what I was doing before law school, and what I was doing when I
was last truly happy.  I hit the reset button.  I went back to work at the place I managed before leaving for law school.  I broke up with my girlfriend.  I went back to the gym (about 5-6 days/week). I started watching my caloric intake. And last of all, I started to believe in me again.  I started to invest in myself and in my choices as much as I had before.

I would love to tell you that I make tons of money now, or that every day starts
off with a rainbow and a smile, but that’s just not the case; however, I will
say that I don’t hate my life anymore.  I don’t invest everything I am and have into one person.  I don’t eat nearly as much as I did back then. I have dropped nearly all of the weight I picked up at school.  And even though I still hate to work out, I don’t hate it quite as much.  I’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life again.  Like talking to an old friend, or meeting a new one.  I’ve started performing with some local improv troupes; one of which won a local competition.  I’ve started a podcast with a new friend. And now, I’m writing. 

While I certainly don’t have it all figured out, I do know this.  Law school helped to thoroughly destroy a certain aspect of my personality.  But it’s a good thing.  I was much too vain and self-righteous before I went to MSU.  As much as I hate to say it, I truly believe everything happens for a reason.  The only thing law school taught me was to write; that, and to believe in myself again. 

Of course, I realize that things don’t come easy, and that you have to work hard
for your achievements, but now I believe that I deserve great things.  I believe that someday I will have a great career, a great car, and a great home.  I believe that I will find the right woman to share all of those things with.  I believe…well, I just believe again.  And that alone, for now, is enough.