Ask Honey: Trying to Make a Love Connection?

Dear Honey,

I'm a middle-aged guy doing online dating ...

... for some reason, nine out of ten women to whom I write personalized emails don't even bother responding with a simple, "thanks." I'm careful in choosing those I write and I'm not interested in young babes or anything. My emails are sincere, sometimes playful and spontaneous, and I'll usually acknowledge a thing or two that stood out or ask a question. I hear so many stories from my female friends doing the online dating thing who are fed up with getting crass one-liners. So, you'd think they'd welcome a super-sweet email from a big-hearted and interesting guy like me! What's the deal?

Also, I don't take the non-responses personal at all (I'm cool with who I am), but it does make me wonder: What's up with people these days that they don't even acknowledge a nice note with a simple thanks? I know that's two questions, but you're such a honey. :)

Thanks, Dan

Dear Dan,

Since I met my perfect, saint of a husband on Jdate.com, I am a fan of online dating. Putting yourself "out there" in a broader way opens you up to a whole group of people you wouldn’t normally have met otherwise. But I suggest getting off-line as soon as possible. We are all so busy emailing and texting that it’s rare that people actually have a real conversation and so much can be lost in the translation of an email or text. You may be writing a note that you consider playful or spontaneous because you know your personality and how you intended it to be received ... but she might mistake as creepy or overkill because she doesn’t know you.

I agree that the cheesy one-liners are no good either. My suggestion would be to write a very simple introduction with an invitation to call you and provide your phone number and start things off by talking so that she can hear your sincerity and arrange for the quickie coffee date to really check each other out.

Your question about a person not acknowledging your note with a response is a good one. Anyone who doesn’t share your values of courtesy isn’t someone you would want to date anyway.

Here are some tips for online dating:

• Have a current head and body picture without anyone else in the photo (especially your ex-person that you’ve poorly cropped out)
• Be brief and real. Don’t say you like long walks on the beach. You live in Michigan — it’s unlikely you are walking on a beach too often.
• Use spell check so you don’t look like a dummy.
• Don’t lie about your education, income, employment or past. If one of these dates does become your spouse, your lies will haunt you.
• Use your investigative skills and ask around before you get hooked. Find out the real story about people you are considering dating long term.
• Give up the ridiculous notion that there has to be instant "chemistry" or that you only have one opportunity to find a "soul mate." Friendships and relationships take time to build.
• On the date: Do not discuss your entire gruesome marital and dating and divorce history. Move forward. It's over and no one really wants to hear it. Have two ears and one mouth. Listen more than you talk and ask questions. Be observant. Watch for the red flags that we often ignore and realize that these things rarely (if ever) change: promptness, preparation, manners, generosity (or cheapness), how they treat the waiter, grooming, attentiveness (not being on their phone), level of interest in you-versus-interest solely in themselves, post-date follow-up.

Each week, Laura "Honey" Solomon brings real-life practical solutions to the issues of divorce recovery, relationships, and time management for Patch readers. Visit her website at wordofmouthconsulting.biz for more information.