Moms Talk: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The went so well I should have realized there was something waiting for me around the corner: the dreaded Day 2 break-down.

On day one, school is new and exciting. Everything is an adventure.  It's almost like a party or a playdate—a fun change from the routine.

It's the second day you apparently have to watch out for. That's when your child realizes, "Wait, this is the new routine."

Second-day Blues
When I dropped off Vi in her new pre-K yesterday, it was smiles and sunshine. She showed me her box for supplies, her locker she shares, her place at the table, all labeled with her name.

We walked around the room for a bit, checking out the "library," the letter rug and the play area. When another little girl cried as her mom tried to leave, Vi gave her a hug and told her she'd be her friend. I kissed my daughter goodbye and slipped quietly out the door.

Today was an entirely different experience. After putting her things away in the locker and giving her a hug, I left the room and was halfway down the hall before I heard her calling for me, her head peeking out of the classroom door. I came back and hugged her once more and explained that I needed to leave and would be back at 3 p.m., while she pleaded with me to read her a story before I left. 

The hugs got longer. She begged me to stay and come to class with her.  She told me she was too shy to make friends. She clung, she wheedled, she pouted. We finally went to a table where a group of girls were playing with dolls and I asked her if she wanted to play with them. 

"Yes, but I can't ask them," she said. "You ask them."

They welcomed her in, and I gave her one last kiss and ran out the door before the tears started.

My tears, not hers.

New to Tantrums
I've never been the "daycare" parent, so I've never had to deal with the drop-off tantrums my husband had told me about. They aren't every day, he said, but when they happen, they are doozies. You never know what might bring one on, and you never know how they relate to the rest of her day. One day she might scream at you not to leave her, then scream even more when you show up to take her home.

I know I shouldn't have to worry about an "I don't want to leave" pickup: All children are dismissed at the same time at pre-K, so there's no one left to want to stay behind and play with. But the dropoff seems much more fraught with peril for a number of reasons, and not just the new routine:

• Having the beginnings of structure and set schedule
• Reducing her daily two hour nap to a 30-minute "rest time"
• A much larger group of somewhat older children to be around
• No longer seeing so much of her father and her little brother every day

I can see all of these realizations adding up and beginning to weigh on her.

Facebook Friends Weigh In
So, like any parent thrown into a situation I've never dealt with before, I turned to Facebook. "Any tips for an easy school drop off?" I begged.

The answers came pouring in, almost all of them revolving around one central component: Make it fast.

My fatal mistake this morning seems to be my hovering, continuing to hang out with her in the classroom even after she had put away her lunch box and book bag. As more and more kids (and parents) continued to come into the room she became more uncomfortable and overwhelmed, and her anxiety grew. The more awkward she felt, the bigger of a deal it was to have me there—and to have me leave.

The biggest tip I received was to drop off fast, but never sneak out. A ritual will help speed up the actual leaving, as well as make sure I don't appear to "disappear" while she's not paying attention.

Turn the parting into an established activity with a special kiss, a particular hug, a handoff of a special treasure (one parent suggested a small item like a bracelet or headband to give my daughter to "take care of" until I return for her)—anything to make each day have a pattern and routine she can count on.

It's the perfect answer for Vi, a girl who tends to be frustrated by any change in the day-to-day. 

New Routine
So for tomorrow, we've set a special goodbye routine. I'm going to try the hug-and-a-kiss-and-a-push-out-the-door suggestion so she can be the one to be in control and make me leave the room.

She always does like to be the boss.