Fiber of My Being, When Did It Become a Hobby?

I often find myself jumping on the bandwagon of advertising campaigns or popular trends. I am as simple-minded, gullible and mentally pliable as most Americans. I share the same gray matter that most people have that can be molded by the media like warm Silly Putty.

For example, I bought a food dehydrator to make tasty jerky from the meat of my choice. I did not know that it required purchasing meat, cutting, seasoning and preparation and then waiting three weeks. It is now in the family room holding a large fichus. I go to SuperAmerica for jerky

 I called the 800 number to get the free diet pills that promised to make me lose weight. All I had to do was take them with a 32-ounce glass of water before every meal. And then, if I combined them with proper diet and exercise I would lose weight. If they came chocolate flavored I would have taken them more religiously.

Did anyone not buy the Sham-Wow? I did. I have a giant box of them disguised as an end table under the dehydrator.

I have the same low resistance level of most Americans. I am not , however, a victim of all the latest trends. I have defied a select few clever campaigns.

First. I rejected the Flow-bee. I am not using my Hoover to cut my hair. Do I then use a Dustbuster to trim my sideburns?

Second. I refuse to buy the pooch carpet that would entice my golden retriever to take a dump in my family room. I withhold that privilege for drunken family on holidays.

Third. I have been able to live without the Ped–Egg. The Ped-Egg is a combination paper shredder/cheese grader engineered by some sado-masochist to remove calluses from the heel of my unsightly feet. I simply do not wear my open toed shoes any longer.

The latest trend that I have been able to keep from depleting my savings account is the current American obsession with “poop."

You cannot watch TV, listen to radio or scan a tabloid without a vitriolic attack on the digestive system of our nation. When did this happen? When did pooping become a national pastime? Was I in the bathroom when someone called?

If you watch any TV at all you are bombarded with the edict that you have to get fiber. You must get bran. You need to poop. You can drink a juice that will give you the fiber you could get in vegetables, which will help you, poop. Poop or die!

You can add a pill to your juice to help you get the bran that has the fiber that is in the vegetables you did not have time to eat. And if you start to poop too much…there is a pill that helps that, too.

Most are not called pills or medicine. They are called supplements. That sounds better. It sounds like it is something that we just need to add to your normal, daily, regimen. Did you know that pooping has a regimen? I was unaware. I thought you just pooped when you pooped.

Could I be wrong?

 I did not know that I was supposed to control my poop!

If you take the supplement you will poop every day. You will poop on time. You will poop when and where you want to poop. Be in charge of your poop!

If you poop too much there is a pill for that. If you poop too little there is a pill for that. If you don’t like pills there is a powder, a gel, a juice or a device. Poop is an industry.

It seems like indoctrination to me. How I poop, when I poop and with whom I poop is a personal issue. I have had to develop a poop theory. I believe that pooping is much like the line from “Field of Dreams” “If you eat it, it will come.”

Poop has to come out or we would all explode. It may not always come out the way would like, but it will come out. If it didn’t eventually come out we would all be walking around looking like constipated “Weebles."

Please, America leave my bowels alone.

I have been living under the suspicion that the poop industry was directed at the aging baby boomers. Since turning 40 I have been the focus of hair replacement technology, skin tighteners, sexual enhancement products and a device that lets me exercise without exercise. Today I found out that poop has no boundary. I was exposed to the future of the poop industry. Our children’s’ digestive tract is the newest target.

Today I saw a TV commercial where three children were playing doctor. One of the children had a box of “Fruit Loops” and a pointer. I was immediately afraid, as one thing I never like to see in my doctor’s hands is Fruit Loops.

In the commercial, the kid-doctor was pointing to a sophomoric cartoon of a stomach, which was filled by the words “3 Grams Fiber”. Then the kid said, “ Mommy likes Fruit Loops because Fruit Loops are good for your tummy because they have added fiber.”

My Lord in Colon! Wrong!

Mommy likes Fruit Loops because kids clam up when they get them. When breakfast resembles candy corn mixed with Skittles, kids are smart enough to be silent. The idea of using Fruit Loops to disguise any health agenda is ridiculous. First of all, if Mommy gives a kid Fruit Loops, she really doesn’t care about added fiber. She’s more concerned the kids will find her pot stash before she sobers up.

Enough is enough. Let the kids poop in peace! Fruit Loops with added fiber! 

When it comes to medical practices and medications. I am very far from a granola eating tree hugger. I will scour cluttered drawers and rattle empty bottles until I find the last aspirin to rid myself of a headache.

 But when it comes to poop I believe that less is more.

 John Lennon, I’m sorry to use your beautiful words ths way. But…

 All I am saying is give poop a chance.