Desperate to be an Expert

In my practice as a Family Therapist I have conversations with a lot of adolescents and their families.  Here’s one thing I am clear about:  Youth are desperate to figure out who they are and what their place is in the world.  Adolescence is a critical time for defining themselves in relationship to others.  Questions ruminating around in their heads are asking:   What am I good at?  What makes me valuable?  I see others have gifts and talents, but what about me?   What makes me stand out?

Kids are desperate to be an expert at something.

The primary messages they receive about who they are, will be what they understand themselves to be.  For instance if a youth is told they are funny, they are likely to be more comical in their actions.  This is how they begin identifying themselves.  If a teenager understands themselves to be smart, they might feel more confident speaking up in class.  A great athlete is going to fill their days with sports activities.   A kid who understands themselves as artistic will gravitate toward creative activities.  The clearer their definition of self, the more they live into it. 

Unfortunately, this is true for all definitions of selves that teens are given.  Those youth that are told repeatedly that they are an idiot, have little hope of defining themselves in another way.  If kids are told they are no good or a trouble maker or worthless, guess what they will become?  I have literally watched this process occur amongst my clients.  One of my kids once said to me, “My Dad thinks I’m using drugs anyway, I might as well, huh?”   

For those of us who are trying to nurture and love the adolescents in our lives, this process becomes critical.  Kids need us, adults and mentors, to help guide them in this process.   Here are some examples of how to do that.   Name for them the gifts and positive personality characteristics you see.  “It is so beautiful the way you helped out that old woman at church.  You are very compassionate.”  Try to balance all the gifts you see instead of constantly focusing on one thing.  “You are great athlete and a great leader.” And balance the negative information whenever possible.  “Because of your creative nature, you’ll need to be sure to keep track of your things.”  Being intentional with this process will more likely lead them into an “expertise” of something helpful for their future.

Kari Lyn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and practices in Maple Grove, MN.  Visit her website at www.karilynwampler.com