Navigating the Grey

When we are young we are very concrete thinkers.  Everything fits into a black or white category, right or wrong.  In general, if someone tells us a rule we believe it’s bad to go against the rule, even if we choose to.  As we move into the adolescent years, however, we realize this is rarely how things work.    Sometime during this life stage process we realize that very few things in life are black and white.  Adolescents begin pushing boundaries in ways they may not have before, in an attempt to understand the more grey and ambiguous areas of life.

This is a process that I call Navigating the Grey.  Here’s an example.  If a parent sets a curfew time for 10:00p.m., the adolescent is likely to push that to 10:15.  So they come home at 10:15 and parents are disappointed, but not angry, and the teen thinks, “Oh, that’s not too bad.”  The following weekend the Adolescent thinks to them self, “What happens if I come home at 10:30?”  When they get blasted upon their homecoming they have now figured that they have pushed too far.  They are out of the grey and into the black and white.  Navigating the Grey is a process that we, as adults, have already figured out.  Take for instance, the speed limit.  We all know what the posted limit is, yet; in all honesty, do you go the speed limit?  Somewhere between the speed limit and 10 miles over the speed limit is our personal understanding of where the grey ends and the actual rule begins.  In my many conversations with parents I have heard some say, “I never go more than 3 miles over the speed limit” or “I believe, 9 your fine, 10 your mine”.  Different understandings of where the “Grey” ends.  When I was in college I knew exactly how many days it took for a check to clear my bank account.  The “Grey” window of two or three days, gave me borrowed money to make it on occasion.

I will argue that this is a healthy process.  It teaches Adolescents boundaries and limits, independent thinking and critical thinking skills. Although it can be painstaking and challenging for parents, it is evidence that they are starting to think on their own and evidence that new parts of their brain are waking up and beginning to function for the first time in their life.  Our role as care givers is to provide an environment that is consistent and non reactive with appropriate consequences when rules get broken. 

How do you feel your teens, “Navigating the Grey”?  What are some solutions you have come up with to keep the consistency in your own home?