Trampoline Smackdown

We made a big purchase earlier this summer.  Shortly after I gave birth to our third boy (like, once my epidural wore off), I made up my mind then and there that a trampoline wasn't a want.

It was a NEED.  As in, "I NEED you boys to go outside and jump on the trampoline for six hours.  You have my permission to urinate in the garden (Lord knows that watering plants was last on my to-do list this summer), and I have set out a bowl of water.  If you get hungry, I will toss some beef sticks and string cheese out the window.  Have fun!"

We are currently the sole owners/operators of a trampoline in our neighborhood.  There are lots of kids around, and I've told their parents that they can send them over anytime they want to burn off some energy.   Our #1 rule is that only three kids may be in the tramp at a time, just to limit the number of skulls that can potentially crack together.  If there are more than three kids that want to jump, I tell them to rotate out after a few minutes.  I've learned that "a few minutes" means wildly different things to different people: it varies between 10 minutes and never.

Here are some other things I've learned:

• Kids aren't good at self-policing.  It's straight-up Lord of the Flies in there if an adult isn't supervising.  The weakest are left facedown, bouncing involuntarily while craughing.  (When you're kind of hurt but you're having too much fun at the same time -- you're crying and laughing.)
• Tramp jumping is not recommended if you've delivered a child less than three months prior.  Or birthed a child at all.
• Tramp jumping is a good workout for grown-ups but kids are entirely unaffected.
• It's more fun to jump if you have music playing; preferably something with good, loud bass.  That way you can drown out your heavy breathing and wheezing.
• There are innumerable fun objects kids put on the trampoline to enhance their experience, including ice cubes, balls (think bouncy ball pit), and toy cars (ouch).  Placing a sprinkler underneath on a hot day is also recommended.

This object has become a dear member of our family, and I now refer to him as "Tramp," because I'm clever like that.  Tramp has become my own personal sensei.  I have gleaned much wisdom from him.

You see, in the beginning, I tried to control Ferg and Brick's wild and violent behavior when it was just the two of them in Tramp: "Oh, please be gentler.  Someone will get hurt.  Did you just knock the wind out of him? Are you trying to kill your brother?!"

"You cannot control testosterone, Midge-san," Tramp whispered to me.  "Let it be."

Initially, I struggled with this new way of thinking.  But refereeing so much is tiring, and I have many bon-bons to eat, so I have relinquished control and now my only stipulation is "No Intentional Direct Contact with the Face or Groin."

As a result of my laissez-faire attitude, Tykes UFC: Tramp Smackdown® is now a regular occurrence in my backyard. I'm quite confident that ESPN the Ocho should cover Tykes UFC: Tramp Smackdown®.   Sick of sibling fighting? Send 'em to my "Cage" and let them duke it out.  Look for the bookie sitting on the picnic table and make a few bucks on the side.  (Just don't tell your kids who you put your money on.)

Yours truly,

The Adult Imposter