BE A MAN! Take Responsibility For Your Own Stinky Farts

And now, a few words of wisdom on farting.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Fart but fart with a sense of personal responsibility. Keep it real. Don’t blame the dog or other innocent bystanders for your farts. And don’t blame your poor spouse or significant other if she’s so overcome by toxic fumes that she tries slapping or punching or kicking to make you stop. Sulphur fumes can be deadly fumes. They can also take away your breath and capacity to reason.

So if you want to blast off at close range, don’t make your loved ones a part of your problem. You did it. You are the guilty one. You farted. So fart on and accept the consequences for that toxic cloud coming out of your butt.

That means if someone lights a cigarette in your immediate vicinity, don’t blame the poor smoker. Don’t take umbrage for any blue flame that you, in reality, have created, either. Man up.

Now doesn’t that little code of honor sound simple and reasonable? It is, it really is. Too bad Dawn Meikle’s husband didn’t get the memo.

Earlier this month, Ms. Meikle was arrested for domestic battery after she elbowed and kicked him out of bed for farting. That poor, poor woman. I really feel for her — not her farting husband.

Of course, the media is having a pun-festival (“Marriage isn’t always a gas.”) with this story. It appeared online, at The Huffington Post, from reporter David Moye. The headline says it all: Police: Florida Woman Attacks Farting Husband — It’s a case of law and odor.

Although that newsflash came from The Huffington Post, other news outlets and web pages provided information and details for the story. The Miami Herald, WPTV.com., TCPalm.com, and CBS12.com. were also amused and fascinated with this tale of marital life gone bad. So if this story IS a hoax, then a lot of reputable media outlets got involved enough to make it seem true.

This husband’s “battery” took place in Port St. Lucie, Florida, during the wee hours of the morning on December 11th at Dawn Meikle’s home. Her husband started farting when they were in bed. Now there are farts and stinky farts and toxic farts. Then there are farts that combine to produce enough crazy-ass nerve gas to make you run and open a window before you lose consciousness. The farts of Ms. Meikle’s husband were in this category — in the real danger zone.

Her husband started farting and farting, and he really must have had some kind of internecine cheesy bean/sauerkraut burrito supreme that night because the poor woman came undone. She elbowed him in vain attempt to make him stop — or, at least, plug up an opening so the gas wouldn’t escape. That didn’t work. So she started kicking him. He rolled out of bed.

But he got right back in bed and started farting…again!

Needless to say, there’s no way for this writer to evaluate the stink factor, but it must have been pretty rancid. Dawn Meikle not only ran to the bathroom and phoned 911, she also discharged a canister of pepper spray in futile attempt to fumigate her bedroom. That didn’t work. Stinky husband, stinky house, but now a police record?

Poor Dawn Meikle was charged with misdemeanor domestic battery and railroaded to the St. Lucie County Jail. So her ass got carted off to jail while his ass continued to break mighty (gasp!) wind. Talk about a double standard!

Life, as we all know, is unfair. But it’s a sad, sad, state of affairs when a husband gasses his wife with toxic fumes to the point of temporary insanity, then does nothing when the cops arrest her for “domestic battery.” Ironically, now that the woman is laying hands on the man in a fight to breathe clean air, the cops suddenly start enforcing a Zero Tolerance Policy for domestic abuse. It seems farts are still a sacrosanct guy right in some precincts.

In the old days, the cops would have laughed it off, opened a window, then tried to talk the frazzled wife down. In the good old days, though, the husband’s farting never would have gotten so out-of-hand or so putrid. But now we have 9-11, GMO’s, 24-hour fast food, and guys — like the ones from the musical “Chicago” — who “don’t even say ‘Oops!’ when they’re passing their gas.” A whole new brand of farters, a whole new quality of air. But can’t we just man-up a little?

In the coming New Year, let’s all be a little more responsible for our own carbon footprints and toxic clouds.