Breaking News From The U of M: DON’T DRINK AND BANG!

This latest Gopher “athletic scandal” from the University of Minnesota is turning into one big infomercial for not drinking. EVER.

Kids, don’t drink and drive.

And whatever you do, don’t drink and bang — or even TRY to bang when you’re drunk.

But hey, why listen to me? I’m just the experienced, older, wiser writer. You’re not going to pay any attention to me because you guys know everything. You think you’re smarter than me and your parents because you’re going to the university in the 21st century — and you have computers and cell phones and we didn’t. Okay. You’re right. We didn’t. But at least some of us realized that too much alcohol could ruin our lives. You guys don’t. You still don’t.

Oh, these college kids today!…Especially those crazy kids at the U of M.

When they’re out drinking their “couple of beers” or doing jello shots they never think about how messed up their bodies and minds are going to get from all that alcohol.

They don’t just want to have a little drink and relax. They WANT to get drunk. Really drunk. They want to get inebriated enough to forget about all the adverse effects of alcohol because they want to experience them firsthand. Like barfing and passing out in alleys is a good thing?

A lot of them do seem to think that it’s okay if they’re not driving cars around. God Bless them for not drinking and driving. But that’s still not good enough because when you’re drunk, alcohol still incapacitates you on all levels of your existence. Alcohol impairs judgement, coordination, as well as visual and audio perception. It can activate confusion, paranoia, irrationality, moodiness, not to mention emotional outbursts. It can render you lethargic, immobile, or unconscious. Not good things for any human being to endure.

Getting drunk, in other words, is asking for trouble…and that’s what all the participants in this latest U of M sex scandal got — nothing but big trouble.

By now, you’ve probably heard the story behind this current uproar, one that sounds too uncomfortably familiar for most readers. Once again, we have the same old equation: SEXUAL INTERACTION + ALCOHOL = CONFUSION OVER “CONSENT.”

Apparently during the fall of 2016, there was sexual contact between a female student who was also a University employee and some members of the Gopher football team, along with others at a party. But was the involved sex consensual? And if so, how much of it with which football players was consensual?

No one knows for sure, and that’s the big problem here.

The legal notion of consent in this case is extremely important because without the consent of either party, the sexual act or acts become rape. If you’re too drunk to say yes, no, or maybe, however, it’s difficult to bring criminal charges. And even more difficult to prosecute the other drunks who might have actually and sincerely believed the young woman in this case welcomed their advances.

So no one involved in this incident really knows if it was rape or consensual sex because far too many people involved were too stinkin’ drunk to know or remember.

That’s why I can’t help but feel sorry — and yet, disgusted — for all the parties involved in this case. Yeah, they all acted irresponsibly and exhibited bad judgement. And yet, now they’re going to be forever haunted by something that may or may not have been a crime because they were too intoxicated to know the difference.

That’s what happens when you get drunk. You truly don’t know or understand what’s going on. You think you might know…but you’re not sure, you’ll never be really sure. You kind of remember…but you can’t remember with certainty. You can’t recall events in proper chronological order, either.

Despite the inherent confusion over this incident, The St. Paul Pioneer Press managed to give a pretty thorough account of the events in question. That’s because reporter Dave Orrick actually looked at all the different versions of what happened with relatively unbiased eyes. He read police reports as well as the University’s 80-page report from The Office of Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action that KSTP-TV had posted. After he did the research, he came up with a news story that made more sense than the sound bites from other newscasts and local publications.

For example, initial reports didn’t state that the young woman involved had sexual encounters with ten to twenty football players. Or that she, along with these other Gophers, had been drinking so heavily that they couldn’t recall important facts about what had happened. Or that some of the football players the University had suspended had never had any sexual contact with this woman. I could go on, but if you want a comprehensive yet easy-to-read report of this scandal, go back and read the front page story from Saturday, December 17, 2016. This account is better than any of the other news stories I’ve heard or read.

Sadly missing, though, is some examination of the irrefutable role alcohol played in this tragedy.

That poor girl. That poor, stupid girl. After the Gopher’s seasonal opening game, she went back to her apartment and had too much to drink. By her own admission, she had consumed five or six shots of vodka before she went out for more drinks. So instead of staying home and sleeping it off, she went to a party with even more free-flowing alcoholic beverages. Now there was a brilliant plan: get drunk, then go to another place where you can get more wasted.

That’s what happens when you’re drunk. Your judgement is so impaired that you decide to go to another environment with more drunks like yourself.

So she visited an apartment of a U of M football player and had consensual sex with him( she thinks, anyway) and his friend. She’s not quite sure if she gave consent to have sex with all those other football players, though. She’s not quite sure of their names or descriptions, either. Neither was her mother. When her mother phoned the police, she reported her daughter may have been sexually assaulted. MAY HAVE BEEN. When your daughter’s THAT intoxicated, it’s hard to know what’s going on.

Then we have those members of the Gopher football team. Those poor guys. Those poor, stupid, arrogant guys.

How is it possible that college athletes who party hardy ALWAYS manage to find that girl — that ONE girl — who always “wants” to do the entire school sports department?

No matter where they go or what they drink, they always seem to locate that ONE girl who wants to have sex with the ENTIRE TEAM. It doesn’t matter which athletic event is involved, either. Football, baseball, hockey, soccer, lacrosse, even curling — the game that’s played never really matters. Dudes! Your hubris is showing! You’re not that desirable! Not every girl wants you!

What really matters is that some athletes who drink too much want to get laid, and they think everyone else who’s had too much to drink does too.

Therein lies the tragic presumption.

Until young people on college campuses start to connect the dots between having sex and having too much to drink, these tragedies will continue — with or without bowl games.