The Dirty Little Secret Guys Don't Want You to Know

Most guys don’t like to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.

In fact, a lot of guys DON’T wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, period.

There. I’ve said it. The nasty little, dirty little secret is finally out. The awful truth we kind of knew all along has finally come out for all to realize and (hopefully) discuss.

And yeah, it’s not a chick thing, it’s a guy thing. You know it is. So I shouldn’t HAVE to clarify my remarks…but I will, anyway.

As a rule most guys hate to wash their hands after they pee or poo — And. They. Don’t.

Some exceptions, of course, do exist.

There’s always that one pretty boy who does, and he always makes a big sudsy deal about it, too. He usually does this grandstanding in a washroom, during a very public function like a wedding or charity gala. He usually spends a lot of time getting a frothy lather on his hands and washing them for a minute or two. Not so he can get his hands really clean but so everyone within a 30-foot radius can know that he really, really washed his hands. Show-offs do like to show off.

So there are a few guys who do wash their hands after nature calls and actually seem to enjoy doing it. Trust me, though, they’re in the minority.

Then too, there ARE a few women out there who don’t wash their hands after they go. Every now and then, you even hear about a poor mother who made chicken salad for her church pot luck AFTER she changed her baby’s diaper (ICK! GROSS!) and got her entire congregation sick. But later news reports usually confirm that this poor woman DID wash her hands after diaper duty. She just didn’t wash them long enough or effectively enough to remove every last trace of fecal matter still on her hands (EEEK! ISH!). That’s how important hand-washing is for women. In fact, hand-washing for women is so important that the media even gets involved with confirming or denying said “hand-washing.”

For every woman who doesn’t wash her hands after nature calls, there are 10,000 chicks loaded down with Purell, Sani-wipes, and their own chemical-free, antibacterial cleansers. Most men, on the other hand, would rather have germy hands than be burdened with carrying around their own soap.

Too much personal hygiene just feels…unmanly?

Clearly, it’s a guy thing, and now these non-soapers have representation — in Congress! Newly elected Senator Thom Tillis of North Carolina is taking up the cause.

No, this is not a fake news story from “The Onion.” This is an actual news story from the “Washington Post” and Associated Press that was published on Wednesday, February 4th, in the “St Paul Pioneer Press.” I’m not making it up.

While speaking at the Bipartisan Policy Center in Washington, DC, last Monday (February 2nd), GOP Senator Tillis brought up this issue. As long as restaurant chains “post a sign” and notify patrons about their pro-choice policy, he believes, restaurants shouldn’t have to force their employees to wash their hands after they pee or poo. It’s all about freedom — our freedom of choice. The government shouldn’t make us wash our hands after we go on the job.

“That’s probably one where every business that did that would go out of business,” Senator Tillis admitted. “But I think it’s good to illustrate the point, that that’s the sort of mentality we need to have to reduce the regulatory burden on this country.”

Right. Too many regulations, too many “shoulds” from government at every turn. Let’s get Big Government out of our bathrooms!

While we’re at it, let’s get moot points out of political speeches, Senator Tillis.

Newsflash: Too many guys are already reading these posted signs and STILL NOT WASHING THEIR HANDS AFTER THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM!

It’s just a sign. A sign without real regulation or enforcement. Until Big Brother monitors your personal hygiene in person or via fool-proof hidden cameras, there’s no way these signs will be effective in stopping any further Norovirus outbreaks.

That’s the real reason restaurants post these signs. Too many people dining out get sick because food handlers don’t wash their hands after they take a dump. And until Big Brother catches an employee in mid-loaf, then sees him not scrubbing and bubbling afterwards, the signs will only serve as weak reminders, nothing more.

Why not eliminate government intervention and just wash up?
Be a man: wash your hands after you pee or poo.

Don’t keep saying, “I’m a 2 or 3 shakes man.” Shake it off, wipe it off, then wash your hands.