Dissin' Crappy Movies With Itty Bitty Mini-Reviews

One of my all-time favorite movie reviews came from the late newspaperman Will Jones. Remember him? He was that plump, bespectacled columnist who used to write for “The Minneapolis Tribune.” He covered a variety of topics during the seventies, from daily grumblings about bureaucratic red tape to his visionquest for good Chinese food and interesting films worth watching.

Then he saw the movie “Sphinx.”

Rather than go into an in-depth critique about it, he merely wrote, “Quick! Bring out the rhyming dictionary!” End of review.

Amen. That’s the way to do it. Don’t excuse, Don’t analyze. If the movie stinks, spend as little time as possible writing about it, then move on to the better things this life has to offer.

Maybe if more film critics would dismiss crappy movies with a few well-chosen words the way Jones had done, there would be fewer crappy movies. Think about it. In Hollywood, the worst thing for moviemakers is to have their movies ignored. When nobody notices their movies or even talks about them, life in Tinseltown isn’t worth living.

So let’s all start actively discounting the lame movies worth ignoring. Let’s make our stand against crappy movies with a few itty bitty, dismissive mini-reviews. That way, the film industry might start realizing just how fed up audiences are becoming with their inferior offerings.

And I do mean sooo fed up that we have to let The Dream Factory Inc. know that criticizing and analyzing their million dollar messes aren’t even worth our valuable time.

Let’s get started.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E: Assassins of T.H.R.U.S.H., get to work.

Vacation: Next time, try a staycation — and really save money by popping your own popcorn.

Aloha: ‘Nuff said.

Try writing your own mini-reviews yourself sometime. You’ll feel a lot better.