Just Shut Up And Park It!

Dateline: ST. PAUL

Once more our cherished democracy finds itself in the hands of a few dum-dums at City Hall. Mayor Coleman and his clueless councilpersons want to gift Grand Avenue — and eventually other areas around West 7th and Highland Park — with…are you ready?… PARKING METERS!

This is what happens when people with driveways get a little taste of power: they want to charge people without driveways big bucks for the joy and privilege of parking their cars on city streets. Double duh.

What’s really lacking here is a fundamental understanding of the problem at hand. The clueless City Council doesn’t get it, though.

Here’s the problem: There’s no room to park along Grand Avenue. Why? Blame it on population density. Blame it on the chaotic, shortsighted blending of commercial and residential districts that the City haphazardly tossed together. But don’t blame it solely on the employees who work at the businesses along Grand or on the shoppers who have made this area a thriving success. These people did not initially create St. Paul’s parking problem.

There’s no room for cars along Grand because there are too many people there with cars and not enough parking spaces in that area, period. Wake up! The real losers in this scenario are the residents who live along Grand — not the homeowners who can park in garages behind their houses with access to the alley but the apartment dwellers who have no choice but to park their cars on Grand Avenue.

It’s not a turnover problem, it’s a residential parking space problem!

I know. I know because I used to live there. I used to be one of those apartment dwellers trolling the streets in search of a space for my little Chevy Cavalier. It was tough back then to find a spot. That was in the old days when there were less people and fewer SUV’s, too.

Over the years, both the City of St. Paul and the State of Minnesota could have developed some affordable mass transit solutions for employees, shoppers, and residents alike. Or they could have simply torn down some old properties to make room for new parking ramps. Surprise! THEY DIDN’T. So now, these shortsighted public servants are blaming their constituents?

I can handle the City’s collective stupidity but not its undying arrogance. Installing parking meters is a bad idea, but refusing to admit that it’s a bad idea only shows how bad St. Paul’s collective hubris really is. This means you, Mayor Coleman, and the rest of your cohorts who mistakenly believe parking meters will solve parking problems along Grand Avenue. They won’t.

But then you dum-dums dismiss your critics with stupid comments. Like, park on side streets without parking meters if you don’t like the idea of parking meters. Or, relax, parking meters won’t hurt business traffic or profits along Grand. Wake up!

Hasn’t anyone on the Council heard about the meter maids (and meter men) who think nothing of slapping poor motorists with $200 parking tickets?

Oh, it’s happening, dum-dums. It just hasn’t happened to you…yet. Wait. Just wait.

Think about the wording of these old City parking rules that you didn’t want to change… You actually thought keeping the old rules would make it easier to write out parking tickets. Well, it has. But now your resistance to change is coming back to bite you in the ass. I’m specifically referring to the rule that states vehicles cannot be parked within 10-20 feet of a “thoroughfare.”
Only problem is, all the streets, avenues, crosswalks, intersections in the city are considered “thoroughfares.”

Of course, most reasonable drivers understand they can’t park too closely to a fire hydrant or stop sign or block a driveway. So of course, they respect such parking restrictions. But not parking by a curb within 10, 15, or 20 feet of a driveway? Or an intersection? Or a crosswalk? Given the narrow spaces and confining layout of those City streets, that means no one can legally park on any side street in St. Paul. Ever.

In fact, these stupid rules and accompanying interpretations are merely a passive-aggressive means of legislating no street parking in residential neighborhoods — and then ticketing drivers who don’t know about the secret rules.

Inconsistent clarity for drivers = more exorbitant parking ticket revenues for St. Paul.

But wait. What about the NO PARKING restrictions?

How are drivers disgruntled with parking meter costs supposed to park on side streets when wealthier residents have already gotten the City Council to post PERMIT PARKING ONLY signs there? Certainly you public servants must have remembered listening to their demands, then voting to allow these parking restrictions for them. Better get ready for the disgruntled residents from Summit Avenue to start showing up at your meetings with similar demands. Better start thinking about extending the same consideration to the poor slobs who live in those apartments along Grand Avenue…

The only sensible solution is the one you and Mayor Coleman don’t want to use — but should. You’re just going to have to relax the overly stringent parking restrictions and allow residents, visitors, and employees to park their cars without getting parking tickets or feeding hungry parking meters. That’s all there is to it. If you don’t start accommodating your constituency pretty soon, no one will be able to afford to park there or shop there. The Grand Avenue Business Association will become extinct because there will be no more businesses on Grand Avenue.

And yet, too many council members like David Thune still believe, “This whole notion that people are going to stay away in droves just won’t happen.” Think again, Dave. Ever hear of a little thing called the Internet? Check it out sometime. It’s a shopper’s nirvana: a mystical, magical invention that makes shopping as we know it obsolete.

You can actually remain in the privacy of your own home and buy cool stuff from all over the World anytime you want. Amazing sales! Free shopping! Incredible ease and convenience! Bye-bye, shopping hassles with parking meters and parking spaces. Bye-bye, business profits and local consumers on Grand Avenue.

So forget about creating a new position for “General Operations Manager” that will be funded by all the parking fees you hope to collect with your parking meter scheme. The People have spoken, and they don’t want parking meters on Grand Avenue. They want sensible solutions and trustworthy leadership, not arrogant greed. ATTENTION CITY COUNCIL: If you start acting more like public servants and less like greedy meter maids, you might get re-elected.