When Brian Williams Tried to Take His Pet Monkey to Work

Bud Grant had a pet monkey.

Most people don’t know about that, but he did. This former football coach of the Minnesota Vikings really did keep a monkey at his home and remained a devoted pet owner until his little friend finally died.

He also believed in reincarnation. After retiring from coaching, he actually acknowledged in a magazine interview that he had been a Native American in his previous incarnation. Then, for an accompanying photo shoot, he posed as a chief in traditional costume with feather headdress.

Here’s yet another surprise about the man: a wonderful sense of humor. He’s genuinely funny. He can go from amusing and witty to silly and nutty in a matter of minutes. What a guy!

Who knew that this stoic, seemingly humorless professional had such a colorful, eccentric side to his personality? Probably only his close friends and family knew — at least, while he was employed by the NFL as a football coach.

Coach Grant probably wanted it that way, too.

He instinctively knew that if he’d started talking up past life regression and monkeys with his players, he could have lost his job.

If Bud Grant had brought his true, private self to work, other people in the public workplace would have found ways to use it against him. No doubt, many of his players would have kidded him — at first. Then word would have gotten out to the rest of the team — and to the media. Instead of inspiring awe and discipline in his players, his innocent self-revelations would have brought his own job performance into question. Then his own credibility and reliability on the job would have been shot.

Fortunately for Grant and his career, he figured out the unwritten reality of staying employed in America. That is, you can’t always be yourself at work. Sometimes, you can’t always be yourself and do your own thing off the job, either. In fact, if you want to keep working, you just can’t be REAL, period. Staying employed often means sacrificing — or hiding — part of your self, maybe the most interesting, colorful part of your real self.

More importantly, Grant understood that what he did or said OFF the field could also come back to haunt him ON the field.

Too bad Brian Williams missed the memo. Too bad he tried to take his own pet monkey to work — and to all those other talk shows and interviews. But Brian’s not the only employee with a pet monkey. Every working man and woman has one — not in the literal but in the figurative sense.

For those slackers of English 101, we’re talking allegory now. We’re now referring to “…a literary, dramatic, or pictorial representation that both parallels and illustrates a deeper sense of meaning. For example, the search for the actual Holy Grail may illustrate an inner spiritual search.” So, in Brian’s case, his pet monkey is something that he deeply and personally values but shouldn’t take to work and shouldn’t make public after working hours, either. In other words, it’s his BULLSH**TING.

Brian Williams was and still is a Zen Master in the Art of Bullsh**ting. In fact, he’s so deep in his own B.S. he can’t shake it off anymore. The pet monkey that jumped on his back won’t leave. He’s been B.S.’ing so long, it’s become part of his character, both his on-air and off-air personality. We’re not talking fibs or little white lies here. We’re talking the full Munchausen. This broadcast journalist truly does excel in the art of wildly fantastic and incredibly entertaining storytelling. Over-the-top tall tales, in other words. And like Baron Munchausen, Brian Williams never lets reality stand in the way of a great story.

It wasn’t enough, apparently, for Williams to report the news during his working hours. So when he wasn’t officially working as news anchor for NBC-TV, he moonlighted as entertainer. He appeared on talk shows and gave interviews that discussed said “news.” But when he discussed current events with David Letterman, Jon Stewart, or Tom Brokaw, they became a lot more entertaining and exciting than the dry, boring ones he’d been reporting. That’s because his spins and embellishments went beyond editorializing. His yarn-spinning got so full of B.S. that his stories turned into blatant lies.

Oh, the places he’s visited, the things he’s never seen or done! How he flew with the Navy Seals on their dangerous mission! How the Black Hawk helicopter he was flying in with Israeli military officials narrowly missed Katyusha rockets! How another helicopter he was in had been hit by a grenade! How he was at the Superdome in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina when a man was killed! (Or was it a suicide?) How he saw a body floating down the street of the suspiciously dry French Quarter, and how his hotel was overrun with gangs, also during Hurricane Katrina!! Such entertaining tales simply never were TRUE tales. They were just B.S., courtesy of Brian Williams.

Once your B.S. starts colliding with the truth, however, your reputation for recognizing and reporting actual, factual news is shot.

Besides the egregious yarn-spinning, there was something else that sealed his doom and made his suspension inevitable. No one wants to bring up, though, because it’s just too weird and gross for everyday consideration. Despite my own bewilderment, I’m bringing it up since it’s so pertinent to this discussion.

Remember a couple of months ago when Brian’s daughter Allison starred in a musical production of “Peter Pan” that was broadcast live on NBC-TV? Unfortunately, I remember because I actually tried to watch it. How Christopher Walken got talked into playing Captain Hook remains under investigation. Meanwhile, more than two months later, I was still perplexed about the favorable reviews for Ms. Williams that positively glowed. She might have deserved such accolades — if she had played the lead in Richfield High School’s annual musical production. But she hadn’t. She was on national TV in a million- dollar production giving a 55-dollar performance. Or was I missing something? Was I being too harsh on her because I suspected some underlying nepotism going on?

Off to the Internet to research reviews of “Peter Pan” that had aired last December, 2014. Imagine my shock when I came across this headline: PETER PAN GETS MOTORBOATED. What? Then things got even more bizarre with this one: BRIAN WILLIAMS’ DAUGHTER GETS HER A** MOTORBOATED.
Whoa! Certainly not where most women get motorboated, that’s for sure.

So how did she drop from “Neverland” into this naughty rabbit hole?

Newsflash: Actress Allison Williams also appears in Lena Dunham’s HBO series “Girls.” That’s where and why she got motorboated. Her brief encounter with soft porn on that show isn’t going away anytime soon, either, because the video is still on the Internet, still available for viewing.

Something like this never would have happened in Walter Cronkite’s day. But if his daughter had given that kind of performance for all to see, he would have quietly resigned. Bud Grant would have done the same thing.

Indeed, pet monkeys come in all shapes and sizes.