Today my couples therapist husband and I celebrate 10 years of marriage together. Fortunately, ten years ago, the weather was very nice for our various relatives from all corners of the country who were not interested in massive snowfall.
Whether you're coming up to your first year of marriage, or have been married 40 years, there is something about an anniversary that really makes you reflect.
Some of the thoughts going on for me today include:
How is it that life is so unpredictable? Just when we create a clear path, really bad, scary, and sometimes wonderful things happen to us. We would have laughed at you if you'd told us 10 years ago what we'd be doing today.
Would knowing the future be more dangerous? Our second child was born healthy, but what my body went through was nothing I'd sign up for if I knew in advance. (Lots of very scary, rare complications.) But of course we can not fathom her not in our lives. Ignorance really can be bliss.
When do we stand up and take back our life? We were once "regular people", being helpful to our friends in normal life, before being almost forced to move out of jobs we weren't content with and into what our true calling was. We have both been blessed with advanced education and licenses to help individuals, couples and families. Now we're helping those same friends, only they feel guilty bugging us because we do this for a living. What they fail to realize is no sane person would go through all the work we did to shut off the topics we care so deeply about personally and professionally with our dear friends.
How do our families grow with, or apart from us on this marital journey? Siblings move away, or move back. Parents or we move across town or across the country. Family members die, and new members are born. When we get married we often long to recreate the positive memories we have but often find a sharp contrast between our rose colored glasses and the reality in front of us. How exactly were our childhoods so different from what we learn life is like as an adult? And really, how on earth do we get the cat from chewing our Christmas decorations so we can actually have a TREE as a family? (I did not grow up with cats.)
Rituals, routines, and the rhythms of marriage are ever changing. I can't tell you how many times we have flipped who does laundry, dishes, grocery shopping (once we both got the same list...we had an amazing amount of bananas and milk!) There are dark times, and easy times. High crisis stress times and nagging times where you aren't sure that a family member is going to live, or if a job is going to last.
And often, the crappiest moments happen when you're supposed to be HAPPY! Happy you got a new job, never mind your spouse is in a severe depressive episode. Happy it's your birthday, only your anxiety is so high you can barely get out of bed. Happy to be in your sisters wedding, but you just had the biggest fight of your entire life with your husband and all you really want to do is hide under a pillow and cry. Happy for your brother whose wife got pregnant on their honeymoon "just as planned!" when you've been struggling for years with infertility. There is a reason many people want to escape from about October through January with all the family holidays!
The fantasy of every marriage counselor? That you seek help early, when things are at the eye-rolling, nagging, shrugging your shoulders because you feel like you're in a double bind (if I say no, she'll get mad, if I say yes, she'll say I should have offered in the first place) times of your marriage. The reality is people think going to a marriage counselor is a
HUGE
HUGE
DEAL
They think it means defeat, or you're broken, or that you have to air your dirty laundry to the world. They think they'll get blamed for being the bad guy/gal, or they think it's about solving the fights.
I remember back when I was a "regular person", gasping at the rates of therapy usage among therapists. What??? I asked. And now I get it. Going to therapy is like going to the bike store and saying, "I've tried to fix this darn spoke, and it's just not working. Can you help me figure out what's up?" It's not about defeat, or being less than, or being judged. It's a shared place to say life is short, and you actually want to be happy and not dread being around each other. Therapy is like hiring a translator, a sewage diver, drywall installer, and cheerleader all in one, for your marriage.
I can honestly say I have grown so much from every client I've seen. On more than one occasion I've seen my own marriage in my clients. This marriage stuff is very humbling and having grown up in the field from my father, I can tell you many of the top experts have had numerous marriages. Nobody gets a "pass" at struggles and nobody has it perfect.
So on this tenth anniversary I can say, without a doubt, that marriage can be like a protective wall, keeping you safe and secure. It can also be a boulder, smashing you to pieces, making you question the darkest corners of your soul.
The good news is there is help, hope, and always, always the possibility of a better tomorrow. You know, like when your son is sick and keeps you up almost every hour on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of a couples year.
