Shame, Shame, Go Away

Shame hurts! When we feel shamed and blamed and set aside it hurts in a number of ways. First, shame hurts us emotionally. It just plain doesn’t feel good. Second, shame hurts our ability to make a constructive contribution to society. Shamed people tend to keep a closed mouth and turn internally. Next, when we feel shame it becomes easy to pass that shame along when we encounter others. The saying, “misery loves company” applies here; shamed people are inclined to deliver a message of shame when dealing with others. A final thought is that shame leads to perfectionism. If we have been shamed our goal becomes one of never doing anything wrong; never making a mistake; never becoming a target for those who want to shame us. Sadly, that puts a severe limit on what we do.

Few of us want to feel pain; certainly not physical pain, and emotional pain doesn’t attract too many people either. Therefore, when we experience shame the associated pain quickly teaches us to avoid thoughts, activities, and words that bring on shame. I must add that re-wording a shaming message to remove the shame might more effectively teach us some lesson. The importance of receiving messages that don’t shame is that our sense of self worth, our personhood, remains intact.

Many times shame hits us for the wrong reasons. I’m referring, now, to false shame. What’s false shame? Well, I’d define it as unwarranted disgrace. When someone falsely accuses us of making a mistake, or doing something wrong, or saying something wrong, that’s false shame. (Even when we have made a mistake if the message serves to belittle us, it’s shaming. “How could you be so clumsy? No one trips on that!” “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”) That type of shame often stems from the other person’s sensed need to attack us rather than look more closely at their flaws. It’s sometimes referred to as a defense mechanism. Yet we feel shamed! We have been attacked, and we feel it’s somehow our fault. That’s an example of shame we do not want to accept, to take on ourselves. The only lesson we learn from false shame is that we are bad, wrong, poor. False shame attacks our personhood. That’s why it’s so powerful and so effective for the other person, and so ineffective for us.

If we listen to those kinds of messages, we become ineffective as contributors to those around us. We lost our voice; we lose our ability to act! We lose and those with whom we interact lose out as well. When we “shut down,” because we feel shamed, others lose the benefit, the good (ideas, words, or actions), we may have offered.

When our response to shame is to lash out at others and deliver a shaming message of our own, we have extended the circle of hurt, and expanded the cycle of shame. At that point we have become part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Even when we target the source of our shame, we have become ineffective as a change agent. Again, we have lost our voice.

Perfectionism is the all too often response to shame. We seek to overcome the issue by never doing anything wrong, never speaking incorrect words, or thinking ineffective thoughts. Perfect! Our mind says, if mistakes bring shame, I will never make a mistake, and I will never feel shamed. How often are we perfect? Can we really attain perfection in thoughts, words, or deeds?

What we value and honor shapes our lives, our self image. To be honored we avoid what is shamed. Our surrounding world, our society, recognizes the strength of this manipulation, and uses that force to form us into the image it desires. This external force may live under the banner of peer pressure, or more negatively as bullying. The ability to resist negative pressures, and extend positive influences, is a primary function of effective, strong, family ties. Spiritually, the same function serves to undergird our need for strong church ties. Support from within – family or church – must outweigh shame, blame, and discouragement from without.

I focus on the spiritual side of life. Doctors and such care for the physical portion of our being; therapists look to our psyche. In this context of shame, what might I offer regarding spirituality? As a starting point, my view of the world around me gets shaped by Christianity. I do not claim perfection; I do claim Christ as my example for how to interact with the people, places, and things that surround me.

So, who do I see as my audience? Not everyone! My audience includes those who want to shame others in the hope that by doing so they will look better to their peers. I address those who too easily believe their flaws remove their usefulness to our society. People who view themselves as hyper-Christians perhaps can avoid my writing. My writing won’t contribute much to those who look like the rich young man with whom Jesus talked. Because of his wealth and life style, that young man thought he had it together. I support those of us who feel like we’re two bricks short of a load. I support those who spend more time in the valley than on the mountaintop. My target is people who want to be effective, not just “look like” they’re effective, in their daily living. I’d like to believe I contribute less to the super-stars and more to the unnamed and unknown. I want to speak to the person who looks in a mirror and sees a beat-up, beat down, or burnt-out and discouraged image. I write for the twisted and the beaten man or woman who feels they disappoint God. Along the way, I’d like to contribute something to people convinced by shame they offer nothing, and have nothing to offer.

Allow me to end with this thought. The worst phrase anyone ever used goes something like, “God loves good little boys and girls.” The truth is: God loves us; period. Whether we are good or bad, God receives us all when we turn to God and admit that we fail, we fall, and yet we have faith in God.