Cruelty and hard life lessons

I haven’t written much over the last few weeks. The second major surgery in 4 months has really taken a terrible toll. Our family has suffered many loses within the past 4 months. Watching my Father-in-law pass from this world to the next, watching my son having to take on a role of caretaker to his Mom far too early in life, and my Mom fighting not to cry every trip to Boston even though I could see her hiding it. My husband trying to hold everything together, work to keep our family going, and to keep the insurance that has afforded me care at Dana Farber and Brigham and Women’s Cancer Center. More has happened in 4 months than in the last 4 years.

I’ve tried to keep things as light as I can, and drawing from my years in the medical field.  I would try to make things better for everyone I ever cared for. One of the best compliments I received last year before I was diagnosed was from my bosses. They were celebrating the hard work of the technicians and unit coordinators, and they made a game of it. With gift bags they made statements and people had to guess who they were talking about. Mine said, “who can be found taking care of our older patients as if they where her own family” ya I cried when I read it. I never really thought anyone paid that close attention and it was such an honor and a good feeling to know that I was noticed. Everyone benefits from moral boosters, but that one probably had me light on my feet for at least a week.

With all the pain and suffering we see, there are times you have to temper the good things, the child you were able to sooth, the grandmother whose hand you held so she would not leave this world along. Then there is the EMS side of the world. There are calls at all hours of the day and night. For many years I only missed a call if I was at work. I made the mistake once of responding after working a 12 hour night shift. I couldn’t bear to not go hearing the tone. Well that call lead into another call, and by the end I had to call into work that night. I learned a hard lesson on the importance of shut off the pager and resting between back to back shifts. Not doing so gave me a migraine, vomiting, and dizziness. Not good to end up a patient.

That has been one of the hardest parts of this journey so far. Not being able to do simple things. I can’t drive, help keep my home clean, or cook. It’s been hard but we have worked to get through it all, the good, the bad, and the really ugly.

The thing that has hurt the most is the realization that I don’t live in the place I described in my first published book. I was so proud to describe “my town” where people still greeted each other and cared. I called it one of the last places where old fashion small town Americana still existed. They say that there is a family created when you join the world of first responders. That may have been true in the past but no longer. Now responders don’t care about privacy or circumstances or perhaps they don’t care to think about the pain they can cause when they become the start of the gossip pool in town. The local paper that wouldn’t publish my articles because they claimed to be “non-partisan” for both my terms, only occasionally would they let something in, now I watch as someone who took over publish every month a new partisan article. I remember once trying to donate one of my books to one of the town groups that I always gave at least double dues every year, refuse me. The refusal was harsh and simply put, “Mrs. Coffey we can’t accept a partisan item”.  The sick irony being that the book is all about self-discovery, my first and far less aggressive cancer battle, and the work of a bipartisan team of friends in the state house along with the Chiefs of police to ensure our laws where applied fairly to all. That bill was signed into law by Governor lynch and outside of created a whole new purple heart trail is definitely at the top of my list of my best work in the statehouse. Now this week I was humiliated out of my local ems team, and when the tears finally stopped, I was forced to do something I had not done. I had not taken a step back to see reality instead of what I wanted to see. I wanted to believe that the people I had worked with for so many years cared. A phone call, an e-mail, something that just said you’re our family we care and we don’t want to lose you. I was already lost and just didn’t face it. I am thankful to Heather, Jeff, and Diane who were the only ones to come over or message just to say hi and how are you. Something so simple can mean the word when you’re scared to death that you could lose your life.

In the last 3 months 2 of my friends have been diagnosed with colon cancer, 1 with breast cancer, and another with thyroid cancer. I can’t do for them what I want to do; I can’t do for myself what I want to do.  Have learned that evil comes in many forms. One of my friends who is in this list and has small children sent this message today, “I just received a message for my cancer fundraising stating they weren't contributing and that I "Deserved to die" because of my political beliefs and work.” I am in shock and just can’t believe how cruel people can be to people who are at the lowest point in their lives. Does it make them feel better to be so evil?  I guess if I could understand that I would be capable of doing it to another.

Cancer is evil it has taken my heart and torn it in two, my friends my true friends and family have and continue to do all they can for us. They call and send messages online they care to know if we are OK. They are the stitches that keep trying to put my heart back together again every time it is torn.

I’ve been told that what I am feeling is grief as if I lost a friend and that I am having the feeling one has when they go through the stages of grief. I grieve at the loss of what I thought I had, but never truly did in my town. I am grieving for losing something I took great pride in being, and EMT who volunteers to care for anyone who needs it every time I could. I grieve for the life I had and what I am left with now. The body that once could lift another now struggles to walk. I try to avoid looking in the mirror it is hard to see all the healing scars all across my torso and abdomen. I am not who I was, I am weakened but not dead yet.

I wish those who have gone out of their way to be cruel, in some cases just plain evil could spend one day inside my body, trapped and scared. I wouldn’t wish the 7 months of fighting this cancer and the cure that has been harder than I ever imagined it could be on anyone, not even those that forced me out of EMS. Maybe if that was possible compassion would grow. I could never commit such acts of cruelty to cause so much pain, as what has been done to me. It is a new scar I will carry for a long time. It will serve as a reminder not to trust, not to give of my heart so freely, and to keep those around me who do care close and the rest as far away as possible.

Remember it doesn’t matter who or what you are, we are all human beings and if there is one thing I know from caring for others, it is to care for them as if they are your own. I still feel that way, I would never change the way I have worked in medicine or practiced in the field. It is a chapter now forced closed by being forced out through humiliation. I wish they had just asked me to leave; it would have hurt a lot less.