Every Anomaly Sends Me on a Mental Tail Spin

No two journeys are alike with cancer. I have spoken or written to women across the country and even the globe, happy to find that I am sane. I am sane that I fear a reaccurance, that every test that has to be redone fills me with an almost uncontrollable fear. Each thing a doctor wants a closer look at is viewed as a potential threat.

Fear is very powerful and it can be very harmful. I noticed I was withdrawing from things I like, people, and hunkering down into survival mode. I also have learned, what I once called "hell week" , I now see as a blessing. There are times when you need to focus all the energy you have inward in order to make it though another moment of uncertainty.

Recent times have involved over four different provider appointments and four physical therapy appointments with more to come. I am awaiting another test result and a procedure coming up.

I am lucky to have providers that get it. They get that at times I am angry. Angry that the cancer didn't change my life, the cure and complications have been the huge impact. It is very healthy to acknowledge those emotions and then move to the next moment. Being told I should move on, when I am still living with it every day is my lesson, it means what others think does not matter, it is you and I as survivors, who are living in that moment.

That has become key, when things are very difficult I try to take it just moment to moment. It is important to stop and take stock in yourself. How do I feel in my feet, legs, and onward up to my head. I have not had a moment without pain since September 13, 2013. That takes a toll so I have learned that it is OK to take a day and rest my body and mind. Fighting this long can be difficult, having good friends and family to draw strength from, to be an ear, thank you Rhonda, Chris, and Susan is priceless.

All this might sound sad, but what I called "hell week". Was not Hell!! It was wonderful. I am improving in Physical therapy it is slow but still it is getting better. The adenomas they found on my adrenal glands appear benign and have not changed in size in the last 4 months. So no more scans until April 2015 unless the test comes back questionable. It's funny the whole reason I didn't want to do the test was that I had to give up coffee for four days. When the doc explainedd it had to do with my heart and was important to do, it scared me into doing it. I just kept thinking if the other labs where good what was the big deal, figures I have a doc that tells you what the big deal is. Hate it when he is right. Anyway I survived as did my family, the lack of coffee for four days, LOL Our trip to Boston, my Mom and I, was so full of laughter and fun it was the best trip we have had ever. I might be in menapause, yes that is on my happy list. It means how I am feeling added to the tamoxifen really makes things harder to do, so I take things in smaller pieces sometimes. Other times when I have a real good day, I will do everything I can to get things done. That has paid off.

I have been conferred my AABF (Associates in Arts Business Foundations). I finished my last class and this bucket list item last month. No longer a college drop out but a grad, and the first in my direct line on both sides of my family. It doesn't matter how long it took me, it matters that I did it and in spite of dealing with breast cancer. What some of you may not know is I was in school, University of Phoenix, when I was diagnosed. I was to finish in January of this year. I had to take two leaves of absence for the two surgeries but I would keep going back and working. This last class was not an easy one for me, accounting II, but I never missed an assignment. There is a very good reason our family uses an accountant, hehe. I passed, and I am proud of myself for doing this. I did it for myself and because, I never liked being a college drop out in my Father's eyes, this helps with some of the recent losses. To know that all of my family is proud of me, even my advisers at school have become my cheerleaders. Sounds cheese but I get the commercials now, I love being a phoenix grad.

PS  I started my Bachelor of Science Management Degree Program as a junior last week, and expect to be done in about a year and a half. :-)