My March Madness Day Two

My March Madness

Day Two

The beginning days of these health challenges can be difficult. I’m not quite used to all of the dietary changes. Typically, I can bust out a good workout and at least feel some good burn, but my brain recovery is dictating that part of my life right now. So as I begin this post my stomach is growling, me vision is blurry, my mouth is telling me hello and I feel like I want to workout even though I rowed a 5K today. I have followed my food plan and I have exercised. Given my 26 minutes on the rower and that melodic feel, I have had some meditation as well.

God, spirituality, meditation and all things related to the universe in this way have been difficult since Molly died. It is more conflict with a big part of me completely dedicated to communicating with and understanding God and the universe and another big part of me practicing self-preserving numbness or outright anger at God and the universe. This is a state that very few people can truly relate to. For many of you reading this Molly’s death is forever ago. I totally get that. The Children’s Theatre Project just completed their winter camp production. Molly participated in this program. Since her last play in the summer of 2015 there have been 6 productions prior to this one. Last night’s The Little Mermaid was seven. That is a lot of camps ago. Who is Molly again? What show was she in? I also know that many of you reading this miss Molly terribly. For Kenny, Gracie and me, her absence remains stark and gut wrenching. I cry every day. We are also beginning to have small times of respite from that pain. I think a big part of this March Madness for me will include the “inside my head” time. On the rower today I alternated with attempting to be all reflective and yelling at the empty garage. (My rowing machine is there in the garage… a perfect spot to rage). Even in my happiest of times I have not been a sit still and meditate kind of gal. This is what I miss most about running. I was so deep in reflection once that I ran 16 miles to an adjacent town. I had a kind police officer drive me back to my apartment. How I didn’t notice I was on the wrong road for well over an hour still escapes me. That was some deep reflection.

Kenny is feeling better already! He had a much easier time at dialysis and although he still took an afternoon nap, he is feeling good. He still ate a small amount of simple processed carbs at his dialysis session… but we do need to finish up these things… no cheese, crackers, olives or pickles passed his lips today. He does not exercise on dialysis days…it is too much. Gracie had fresh fruit with her breakfast and a salad for lunch. She is out with friends tonight so who knows:) She is young and needs the least amount of tweaking. She tap-danced for an hour this morning. She is going to perform a solo at the end of the month. I will keep you posted!

As I get ready for a healthy fish dinner and count the minutes until bed time, I am feeling good about two things. I found out yesterday that I will need just one radiation treatment to rid my brain of tumors! While I am terrified for the procedure itself… (the mask covers my mouth), I am extremely excited to be that much closer to getting my mouth fixed. The pain is debilitating sometimes. I also spent the afternoon with my sister Johanna. I love productive time with her. We went to a seminar on investing and I learned a lot. We had a delicious lunch and quality time together. I am lucky. Gracie will miss out on this with Molly being gone. I know, however, that she will find people. As she gets older, she will likely become closer to her older sister Caity and her niece Stella. Time is the key here. Let the days add up and the food restrictions will become easier. Let the months go by and the simple act of living will become easier. Balance anger with reflection. Exercise when you can. Stay busy and distracted. Focus. Laugh, cry, scream and sing. That’s all I got! Until tomorrow.