I'm not a very handy person.
I mean, don't get me wrong - I'm really a do-it-yourself kind of guy if by 'do-it-yourself' you mean 'call a contractor.' I once tried to hang a painting and almost burned my house down, so things like changing burned-out light bulbs often require me to call my homeowner's insurance to see if I'm covered.
However, there are some times when - in fact - I have to run to the Salem Home Depot and pick something up.
This is usually a bad idea.
It's not that shopping there is bad, or that I don't enjoy walking into a Home Depot store and leaving with $300 less money than I had going in (because it is - technically - illegal to spend less than a week's salary at every Home Depot visit).
No. It's the GETTING INTO THE PARKING LOT that drives. Me. NUTS.
Now, I know the Salem Planning Board is pretty picky about how things look in the town, but I think they looked at the parking lot plan and said, "You know? SURE it's got 5,000 parking spaces...but one entry should be plenty."
Home Depot shares it's ONE entry point off of Route 28 with the strip mall in front of it. A big strip mall that has a grocery store. This makes trying to get into there on a nice, sunny Saturday similar to what I imagine evacuating Boston would be like during an impending nuclear holocaust with 2 lanes shut down on Route 93 due to construction.
A 4-mile backup in the right lane of Route 28, made up of people trying to buy a 2x4 is not uncommon. I once left for Home Depot to go buy a bag of mulch and came back sporting a full beard. True story.*
*not really
Then there's the issue of getting into the PARKING area.
So, let's see. You just pulled off Route 28 and want to take that first right into the parking lot but because the turn into the parking area right there is at a 30-degree angle you FIRST have to wait for the guy driving the Super Tundra 5000 to pull OUT of the parking area because he's blocking the entire thing. This is no easy feat because there is a line of traffic from the grocery store waiting to exit onto Route 28 and no one is letting 'giant truck man' in line because it's 90-degrees out AND I HAVE A GALLON OF FRENCH VANILLA IN HERE AND IT'S MELTING I GOT NO TIME TO LET YOU IN, TRUCK MAN!
So, 3 hours later you finally get into the parking lot, park on the left side of the building (because that's the entrance). After spending your mandatory $300 you then exit 2 miles away on the right where the checkout is (because THAT makes sense).
Then you sit at the edge of the parking lot trying to break into the grocery store traffic while people trying to get INTO the parking lot are staring at you for not having the wherewithal to account for the 30-degree exit angle and get out and pick up your car to straighten it. Because you're the Hulk. That's what people expect. You don't think sometimes.
Then you get home 6 hours later and find out that the thing you bought is the wrong kind.
And this? THIS is why I hire contractors.
*bulb goes out*
