Frank Advice: Can 90 Days Change a 27-Year-Old Man?

Dear Frank,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. During that time we have been slowly moving forward, even talking about moving into the same household and thinking about marriage.

The issue is my boyfriend’s grown son. His son is 27 years old, is still living with my boyfriend and has yet to be out on his own.  The son has some issues, which my boyfriend often ignores, such as his drinking (he has received 2 DUI's in the past five years). The son doesn't contribute anything in the form of paying rent, utilities or his school loans, and doesn’t even clean the house.

My boyfriend and I agree his son needs to get up, get going and get his own place. I’m afraid that if we wait for him to do this on his own time, we could be waiting a long time. Recently my boyfriend finally put his foot down and gave his son 90 days to move out. I was surprised and proud of my boyfriend for taking this huge step, but he’s also notorious for not following through or enforcing consequences.  

My tolerance level has peaked. The situation with the son has been ongoing the whole time my boyfriend and I have been together. I don't understand the way my boyfriend handles things between them. I understand their relationship is special and also none of my business unless it is starting to affect our relationship. Unfortunately, I feel as though it is beginning to affect things between us.   

Do I wait patiently for the 90 days and see what happens?

Marking Time

Dear Marking,

Meaning no disrespect to your question, the time limit is -- this far into your relationship -- irrelevant. What is relevant is how your boyfriend deals with his son. Ask yourself if 90 days, or any amount of time for that matter, will really change things when this dynamic between father and son has been going on for years?

The first year of a relationship is usually a time of testing and trying, seeing if this person is a good fit and feeling that sense of being part of something fresh and new. After the first year, most couples consider their relationship “serious,” and after three years you probably have a good sense of your boyfriend’s personality and behavior, particularly how he responds to challenges and stresses. You see him go back and forth between setting boundaries and expectations for his son, and yet not following up with consequences for violations of those boundaries.

If your boyfriend is committed to a long-term relationship with you with the potential of putting a ring on your finger, treating his adult son with kid’s gloves just doesn’t compute. If his son was still a teenager and having problems, I’d say cut your boyfriend a little more slack. But the son is 27, and by most accepted standards should be out on his own and or at least taking responsibility for himself. It sounds like the son is enjoying a free ride on his father's dime, while also making poor choices, knowing that Dad will take care of it.

It sounds like your boyfriend loves his son very much -- but that he has to make some choices about what comes first: providing for his adult son, or cultivating his relationship with you. As his girlfriend and possibly future spouse, you have a right to say to your boyfriend, “I feel like Junior’s behavior and your response to it is affecting our relationship. Here’s why I feel that way,” and state your reasons.

You mentioned his son’s drinking, and his two DUIs. Obviously this is a problem, and I would say it calls for some kind of intervention involving your boyfriend and other family members, if possible. However, with regard to dealing with his son, your boyfriend could take a page from the recovery movement. Some recovery and 12-step organizations use a term called “love with detachment.” Simply put, it means allowing a person to take responsibility for, and accept the natural consequences of, their choices.

Detachment doesn’t mean withholding love or turning your back on that person, but it does mean taking steps to ensure their behavior doesn’t interfere with your ability to meet your own needs and take care of yourself.  That means your boyfriend remains loving toward his son, while making sure that his son’s choices or unhealthy behavior don’t impact his own life and relationships. It’s easy to write about of course, but I’m sure it takes a lot of discipline and courage to actually put it into practice.

When you get right down to it, it’s becomes a matter of what you are prepared to accept in your relationship with your boyfriend. Does his lack of motivation or follow-through show up in other parts of his life or your relationship? More importantly, can you accept that about him? If the answer is yes, great; there’s no problem. If the answer is no, you either have two choices: dig deep within yourself to find the strength and resources to at least find it tolerable, or, if you find you don’t have that strength or resources to do so, you need to re-evaluate your relationship with him. I don’t mean for that to sound glib or simplistic, because realizing that he may not change or that you don’t have the strength to accept that can be incredibly painful. But it’s a choice between being in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship and standing on your own to find another relationship that will meet your needs.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever the future holds for your relationship.

Need advice? E-mail Frank at frankadvice1@gmail.com