Frank Advice: Should I Have Gone?

Dear Frank,

I want your take on something I did.

I used to go to barbecues on weekends with five lifelong friends, along with their spouses and kids. At one barbecue, one of my friends brought along a new guy. At first he seemed all right, but when he started conversations, he would make comments that were insulting to women. He was in the middle of a divorce and he often badmouthed his ex-wife (she was never there.) As he became a “regular” at the barbecues, he began to make inappropriate sexual jokes about women in mixed company.

This man’s behavior bothered me enough that I spoke to the friend who had originally brought him. I told him what I thought about how this man was acting, and my friend shared similar concerns, although he seemed like he didn’t really want to address it. Long story short, my friend apparently had a conversation with this man and told him he was out of line. From that point on, whenever my wife and I attended the barbecues, the man would not speak to us or acknowledge us. This made us uncomfortable, so we stopped attending the barbecues.

A year later, I got a call from this same friend, telling me the man had died and all about the funeral arrangements. I found out that many of my friends and a lot of other people were attending the wake. Although I obviously didn’t like the man or how he acted toward my wife and I as well as others, I was troubled over whether or not I should go. If I did, I would feel like a hypocrite because the man obviously didn’t respect me or my wife, but if I didn’t go, I would have felt like I had offended my friends. I wound up going, even though I wasn’t happy about it. Some of my friends have asked me, “Now don’t you feel better for having gone to his wake?” I tell them yes, but honestly I don’t.

What do you think? Should I have gone?

Sitting On The Fence

Dear Sitting,

You sound like a person who values respect and propriety, and I salute you for that. You also seem to value the friendships you have made. However, there is a boundary between wanting to maintain your friendships and show respect, and allowing others to dictate for you how you will act as a person. Shakespeare said it best: “To thine own self be true!”

Do you remember what our parents, teachers and other adults used to tell us as kids when we would use the “But my friends do it too” defense? “If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?”

I’m not trying to make light of your question, but it sounds like your decision to attend this man’s wake was based primarily on what your friends might think if you didn’t attend. In deciding to go, you jumped to the conclusion that if you didn’t go, your friends would be angry, offended, think you’re uncaring, or whatever. Did you have any real evidence that they would feel that way? I’m betting you didn’t. More elementary than that is the question of what is of more importance to you, your integrity or your friendships?

So my answer to you would be no, you shouldn’t have gone to the wake if you felt that strongly about it. The friends you speak of are lifelong ones, so I’m sure they would have understood.

However, I’m not going to let you go that easily. There is something even more interesting about what you wrote. You wrote that because this man essentially snubbed you and your wife because you shared your concerns about the man’s behavior with your friend, that you and your wife stopped attending barbecues with your friends. My question is, why on Earth would you grant another person – one, in fact, whom you quickly grew to dislike – that kind of power over you and your wife? That’s a lot of power to give somebody.

From what I can tell, these barbecues had been a regular occurrence even before this new man started showing up, and they were occasions to which you and your wife looked forward, because you’d be hanging out with your lifelong friends and their families. Because this man attended these same barbecues and gave you the cold shoulder, you stopped going, effectively giving this man control over whether or not you attended. Looking at it in this way, the power you gave this man actually led you to decide to attend his wake when you didn’t want to!

You stated before that you went to the man’s wake because you were afraid your friends might have been mad or offended if you hadn’t; I think that on the Friend Offense Scale not attending a regular event that you and your friends have enjoyed together for years ranks much higher than not attending the wake of a man whom you grew to dislike, but whom your friends appeared to like, or at least tolerated.

I could understand you not attending the barbecues if your friend flatly refused not to address the situation. However, once that man stopped talking or associating with you, you were free to enjoy the company of your friends, regardless of this man’s presence. The fact that this man decided no longer to speak to you was his problem, not yours.

Honestly, had I been in your shoes, I would have handled it a bit differently. Because people can usually tell when they have stepped out of line, I would have simply said “I disagree,” to the man once he began making his inappropriate remarks and then I would have tried to quickly change the subject. Chances are he would have taken the hint.

But what’s done is done. I hope that you and your wife have started attending these barbecues again, for the sake of enjoying a great, relaxing event with your friends.

I wish you well.

A graduate of Seton Hall University with a Master's degree in counseling, Frank Fleischman III has counseled a diverse population of adolescents, adults and children at both the Jersey City Medical Center and SERV Behavioral Health Systems, Inc., in Clifton. He also received training from the National Coalition Building Institute, which focuses on diversity and interpersonal communication.