A Holiday Gift Guide for the Befuddled Husband

"Men think women are so mysterious. They have no idea what to buy her for the holidays, even though he lives with her and she's probably been dropping hints all over the place." - Laura, self-described Expert on the Art of Buying Gifts for Women

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say it: Men hate to shop. 

And women are picky.

Of course there are exceptions. Only those aren't the people I'm referring to.

It's now early December and notoriously shopping-hating husbands are trying to think of way to avoid the unavoidable. The sands of time are not cooperating with this plan. Decisive action is needed.  

To address the sheer panic I suddenly feel in the air, I decided to conduct an informal poll. I asked my friends, family and neighbors: What do women want for the holidays?

Here's what I found out:

SAFETY ZONE vs. DANGER ZONE

Shopping-wise, most men know there are Safety Zones and Danger Zones - from bitter experience - and are not taking any chances. Thus, the following mantra takes over the male brain throughout the holiday season:

Gift Certificate. Gift Certificate. Gift Certificate.

This is a clever way to avoid trouble. And while it's true that most women love gift certificates, that won't let you off the hook completely. 

Bear in mind that repeated, multiple gift certificate offerings starts to look a little, well, cowardly. Plus, she'll be the only one without festive, intriguing boxes to open. She'll start to notice how gift certificates are not really gifts at all but promises of gifts. Delayed gratification. Also they smack of, "I didn't know what to give you so ... here's your present."

Gift Certificate Burn-Out is a direct result of Lazy Husband syndrome and, sadly, is running rampant.

CLOTHING

For the few men brave enough to venture into a women's clothing store, here are a few guidelines to write in stone and memorize under threat of death:

Flattery is everything. If she thinks it makes her look fat, old or ugly - even (and this is an important point) if it doesn't - she simply won't wear it. End of story.

Unless your wife is a lanky 19-year old British model, never buy anything bulky, chunky or emblazoned with horizontal stripes. Following this line of logic, a chunky orange-red sweater could make her feel (and possibly look) like a tomato. A thick winter coat with brightly-colored-horizontal stripes might as well be a saddle blanket. And everyone knows that stockings in bright colors are verboten after third grade. 

Also, never EVER act on the naïve notion that "she doesn't have anything like this in her wardrobe!" Chances are, that's not an accident! The garish, polka-dotted pantsuit? She'll never forgive you for that. The frilly blouse and cardigan you think are "a nice change from those power suits she always wears"? Get real.

As for sizes ...

DANGER ZONE! Keep this important rule in mind: She'll feel bad if you buy her something that's too small. But she'll feel WAY WORSE if you buy her something that actually fits, but is a size bigger than she thinks she wears.

This is the sort of logic that some men find hard to understand. Well, it doesn't matter if you understand it. Just don't make her feel sad on Christmas.

JEWELRY

A peek into a woman's jewelry box will tell you everything you need to know. If your woman goes around town flaunting her inner gypsy, don't buy her sedate, conservative jewelry. And incidentally, there are women who love to have a large jewel-encrusted insect crawling up their blouses. No one I know personally, however.

I hate to say it but a heart-shaped diamond necklace or a locket with baby pictures tucked inside . . . even if your wife is an avowed anti-sentimentalist, she'll probably adore. I know, I'm going out on a limb again here. I'm just saying._

TIPS FROM THE TRENCHES

More tips for the intrepid male shopper, from our trusty Montclair/Bloomfield Localistas:

Laura: A lot of men only get romantic gifts on Valentine's Day. The thing is, women appreciate romantic gifts ALL the time.

Stephanie: I think an Apple gift card is a cute little gift.

Rafaella: Yeah, and maybe a maid.

Jessica: (My dream gift is) something that will keep me warm. Other than that, I'm always grateful for a tennis lesson.

Suzy: I want jewelry and a GPS.

As they spoke, it became obvious that these women were so busy trying to create a holiday for the people around them, they really weren't thinking much about what they wanted. To wit:

Jessica: I'm one of those self-depriving people who don't really buy much for myself in general.

Chantal: Well, I usually have a tough time thinking about what I want because I buy for others first.

Rafaella: Women really aren't thinking of themselves around Christmas. If you have children and not a lot of money, you're thinking, what can I get the kids?

With all this selflessness going on, how's a man to know what she wants?

OBSERVE ... and ACT

Finding the perfect gift for a wife or mother isn't that hard if you're clued in. Look around! Does your wife's favorite cashmere sweater have holes in the elbows? Does she bring the same decrepit camera to school functions? Are her necklaces tangled up in her tiny jewelry box (the same one she's had since she was 15)? 

C'mon guys, this isn't rocket science.

Laura: Men always rely on the advice of a salesperson. But a salesperson doesn't know his wife, he does.

Exactly. You alone possess critical insider information.

Rafaella: I always love pajamas, a beautiful pair of slippers. Candles. Things that make you feel really comforted at night. I love it when my husband buys me something I would never buy myself. 

Laura: Use the holiday as an opportunity to buy luxury gifts. Often people don't allow themselves luxuries, especially if money is tight.

OTHER IDEAS

Books. Music. Movies. Electronics. A pair of tickets to the opera, a concert, or the ballet. Or how about an evening of comedy, a fashion show, or a lecture she's been dying to go to? Spending time with you is part of the fun of the evening, so make it special.

Alternatively, you can also buy her a day at a spa, with a romantic dinner and movie afterward. Let her choose the film - yes, even if that means sitting through "Swan Song" or "Love and Other Drugs"!

Which brings up a crucial point: even if the gift involves you being there to help her enjoy it, remember it's for her, not you. Sitting through the ballet or a chick flick won't kill you. Also, though lingerie is always a popular choice, Mommy may not be thrilled to receive a negligée in front of the kids on Christmas morning. 

One final warning: Beware of Practical Gifts. Dustbusters, steam irons, and frying pans are Danger Zone items. They can be used as weapons. Dishtowels can get you killed. And don't make me tell you what she'll do with a vacuum cleaner.