Helping High School Freshmen Learn Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief, Loss & Other Tough Stuff

I love speaking to teenagers about healthy ways to cope with life's challenges, grief and loss.  My work as a grief educator takes me to schools all over NJ, and more recently to other states too. I was invited out to Minnesota in September to speak to a few schools, and will be going out to Louisiana in December to do the same. This week I had the opportunity to speak in two high schools in Union County, Jonathan Dayton HS in Springfield and Westfield High School. I spoke to the freshmen in their health classes on Healthy Coping with Grief, Loss and Other Tough Stuff. 

Students entered their health class, hearing my iPod (thank you Steve Jobs) playing tunes such as John Mayer's Say and Selena Gomez, Who Says. They were pleasantly surprised to be given Play Doh, to be used as a stress ball as well as Dum Dum lollipops to represent all of the dumb things they may hear from others as well as dumb things they may say to others who are dealing with loss.

I shared with them, some of the different types of losses that teens may experience: loss of relationship (which may include friends changing, pet loss, breakups, divorce, moving, a death of a loved one or less than loved one,  incarceration of a family member, deployment of a family member, estrangement in the family, lack of availability of a parent due to mental illness, addiction, over work and more). I talked about loss of possessions or their home, as many have recently experienced as a result of Hurricane Irene and for others due to the economy and loss of employment for many parents. There is also the loss of intangibles like self esteem, loss of status and loss of safety which can come from being bullied. Hopefully with our tough NJ Anti-bullying laws in place as of September, we will see a decline in bullying, which can lead to depression, anxiety and grief in our youth. Losses of skills and abilities such as having learning disabilities, sports injuries, and more were also touched upon.

I open up a box of Dominoes and asked them what were the most important things to them now in their lives that gives their life meaning. I held up a Dominoe for each response. Teens always respond with 'family' as the first thing. After hearing quite a few responses, I slowly drop all of the dominoes on the floor and they scatter all over, as I tell them at times in our lives suddenly or not suddenly, we all suffer losses which can feel like all our pieces are all over the place. What we knew to be normal is no longer. We may long for our "old life" back. Teens often feel angry, scared and unsettled after such shake ups in their lives. Often two things that are experienced after a loss are: loss of control and loss of choice. Helping grieving teens maintain a sense of control and providing choices can be quite healing at such a time. Grief is a process, not an event. We may grieve for years and year, however it does get better. The pain eventually lifts but may returns for the holidays, anniversaries and at new stages of our lives: starting high school, learning to drive, graduation and going to college are times in particular that grieving teens may need extra support and care. It takes time, understanding friends, interested adults, permission to grieve and safe outlets for teens to express their emotions, thoughts and concerns. Teens often find some solace with friends, music, playing sports and having some privacy.

Gradually, in our own time and own way, we will pick up our own pieces. No one can do it for us, although others can be supportive, caring and patient. I shared typical grief reactions such as: sadness, anger, numbness or shock, loneliness, relief, fear, disappointment, guilt, confusion and more. I differentiated between normal sadness that follow a loss as opposed to depression, the illness. I asked them to share what they know about warning signs of depression. Many knew a few signs which include: loss of interest in things, isolation, change in sleep and appetite pattern, a change in personality,  a constant feeling of exhaustion, a sense of hopelessness or helplessness. I provided helpful resources including the 24/7 youth crisis hotline 2nd Floor: 1-888-222-2228 which is run by trained counselors and just for youth 10-24 (www.2ndfloor.org), Contact We Care out of Westfield: 1-(908)-232-2880 (www.contactwecare.org/teens) and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org).

I shared that grief may affect their academic performance. It's not uncommon for students to be distracted easily, struggle with comprehending new information, or to be tired or restless following a loss. Some students cope by overachieving as a way to handle all that feels out of their control. Still other grieving teens become shut down and withdrawn. All of these grieving students need adults to keep on eye on them both in and out of school. I encourage those who are having a tough time to speak to their teachers privately to get some extra help or even to ask for more time for assignments. Most teachers are very understanding as they also experience loss in their own lives. I also encourage them to stop by the counseling office and speak to their counselor. Sometimes they may want to just sit in their office and not say a word, which is fine too. School nurses see many grieving students who often present with headaches, stomach upsets and fatigue. I also warned them of the temptations and dangers of turning to risk taking behaviors as a way to numb themselves to their pain.

I then provided healthy ways to cope with different losses. If a loved one has died, it can help to talk to other family members about the person, or collect photos and create a memory book. Writing in a journal or writing letters can be a great way to express words left unsaid to someone who died suddenly. Sometimes those notes can be read at the cemeterys, to a trusted friend or adult, or attached to a helium balloon and let go. Other things that help are talking about it, joining a support group as in Good Grief (Morristown, a free year round peer grief support program for children and teens 3-18 who have lost a parent, sibling or other important person through death, www.good-grief.org).

When a loved one is ill, visiting with them, or sending a letter or Skyping may be helpful as a way to stay in touch. Joining a support group like at Gilda's Club (www.gildasclubnnj.org) for teens who have a family member with cancer.  Another great resource is Alateen (www.al-anon.alateen.org) for teens who are affected by the drinking problem of a family member or friend. 1 in 4 youth are affected by a family member's drinking.

  Other things that help teens cope: exercise, art, music, time with friends, yoga, meditation, laughing, sleeping, healthy distractions, dance, time in nature etc. Many teens become involved in meaning making activities such as donating blood (16 years and up)  fighting for a cause like walking to raise money for Diabetes which many of the students took part in, walking to cure cancer, volunteering for an organization, helping out at a food pantry or kitchen, taking part in Out of Darkness, a 5K walk sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.afsp.org). Joining a club at school can also be helpful for teens. Most high schools today have many clubs and organizations that are service oriented that can help teens truly make a difference in the lives of others and help them regain a sense of meaning and purpose, which is an important part of one's healing process.

As Lean on Me by Bill Withers played in the background, I gave them a couple of minutes to write anonymously on index cards, some of the tough stuff that they have experienced and what has helped them through it. Or they could list some positive qualities they look for in adults who they may trust enough to open up to. Since I speak to adults often in conferences, parent programs and professional development, I have the opportunity to let adults know why teens gravitate to some adults and why they avoid others.

I let them know that the only one who will see the cards are me and that whatever I see they are struggling with they can be sure that within a week I will add a tab and page to my website about that issue which will include information and resources. Needless to say my website has information on many different type of loss experiences.

I read to them some with them index cards written to me from other 9th graders in other schools. They are very interested to know that they are not the only ones' dealing with many of the same issues. Interesting that teens in Minnesota are coping with many of the same challenges as teens in NJ are. As the period ends, they drop their cards in a bag that I am holding by the door.  I am playing upbeat music, like Kris Allen's Live Like We're Dying at this time to energize them for their next period. Many thank me and even shake my hand. A few stop and share a few words with me. A couple of students said, "thank you for doing what you do".

In about a week their health teachers will have these students write a reaction to the presentation including something they learned and how they applied it to their lives. I love reading the notes. I read how students have reached out to other grieving peers, how they have gone home and opened up a conversation with a parent (some ask a parent what it was like for them to lose their parent at their age). A few students share that they went home that day and thanked their parents for all they do and let them know they love and appreciate them. Many share that they are really grateful for what they do have.  Many students share how they have started to treat their peers with a lot more kindness and understanding. As one students said to me after one class, "Now I know that I am not the only one going through tough stuff. I think we all need to be a lot nicer to each other, as no one knows what the person sitting next to you is really dealing with." Encouraging resilience and empathy in our youth is a very rewarding part of my work. 

I recently had such a wonderful experience regarding a former JDHS student. I had walked into a place to pick up food in Springfield and as I was giving my order to a young man, he stopped a moment, hesitated and said," You came into my health class a few years ago at JDHS and gave a talk on dealing with loss. You gave us information and some hotline numbers. I want you to know I left that day and made some calls. I got myself the help I needed and stopped doing the stuff I was doing. Thanks to that talk, I turned my life around 180 degrees. Thank you."  He smiled and I smiled back with tears in my eyes. I was so moved and thanked him for sharing that with me. As we left, my 15 year old daughter Nikki said, "Wow, Mom!" I said, "Wow, that was really nice of him to share that. It shows you how important it is to provide information and resources to teenagers. When the time is right, they just might use them!" It truly encouraged me to keep on doing what I love to do!

For more information, please visit Lisa Athan's website GriefSpeaks:  www.griefspeaks.com

"The healthy and strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he's got an abscess on his knee or in his soul." ~ Rona Barrett