Suicide: You're never alone

                My hospital stay in September of 2009 was my first. It changed my life as that sort of thing often does for those with mental illness. After the hospital stay, I entered an aftercare program that lasted three months or so. It was an intensive program that I went to during the day and came home from after it was done. This is often how it’s done after someone goes to the hospital. It’s like physical therapy for your mind after an injury. Every program lasts a different amount of time, and they’re sometimes in hospitals. This one wasn’t.

                I had done an Intensive Out Patient (IOP) program before. It was about 5 or 6 years ago, and I got a little out of it, but I backslid quickly. I hadn’t been in the hospital that time. I went voluntarily into the IOP program.

                The program after the hospital taught a set of coping skills known as Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). There are four main skill sets in DBT: Distress Tolerance, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Mindfulness, and Emotion Regulation. Distress tolerance is just dealing with immediate stress. It’s distracting yourself from a stressful situation and learning to focus on things you enjoy. Interpersonal effectiveness is learning how to communicate with people and have worthwhile relationships. It teaches that to have a good relationship you need to get your needs met, have respect, and investing in the relationship. Mindfulness is taking a moment to pause and really thinking about what you’re doing. It’s observing your surroundings and taking it all in. Emotion Regulation is the most aptly named. It is keeping your emotions in check by either reducing the effect events have on you or lessening your sensitivity to things.

                Learning the hundreds of techniques in these and more areas over the four months in my aftercare program was a wonderful improvement in my life. I know from speaking to other people that have gone through that and similar programs that these after care programs have changed people’s life. Often people are on the brink of suicide, like I was, and they’re brought back to become functioning members of society.

                After that program, I was stable for two years. It was a wonderful feeling. I was able to go through college, have functioning relationships with my family and friends, be a dedicated girlfriend, and hold down work.

                The trouble with mental illness is there is always a risk for relapse. It’s something that’s always feared. Someone that has been stable for 10 years can relapse. Someone can also never get stable. Before this aftercare program, I had never been stable. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was fifteen, and for seven years, I was a whirling cyclone of medication changes and mood swings.

                This program gave me my first taste of stability. I was desperate to keep it.

                A few months later, it was time to sign up for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention walk again. This time, I was in full advocate mode. I was ready to fight. My guitarist was the team leader again, and I joined her team with smiles and welcome.

                At that time, I was at my heaviest. I weighed 381 lb. I talked to my guitarist about how I wasn’t even sure if I could physically walk the couple miles around Buccleuch Park in New Brunswick. It was just another struggle. We held out hope, and she assured me that it was a very easy walk. She gave me every bout of confidence.

                For months, the team did fundraising on social media and through personal networking. We raised a bit of money. Any bit always helps.

                The day of the walk came and we all had a central meeting point of my guitarist’s house. We carpooled over, and were met at the park by bright colors and masses of people.

                It was around 8am, and the walk started at 9am. We arrived early for registration. After signing up, we walked around and looked at the little memorials people had set up for those they lost. It was very touching. We were also instructed to go to the tables they had laid out and pick up a tee shirt. That year they were baby blue. I bought a rubber bracelet, too. They had food and drinks –mainly coffee- set out for everyone, as well.

                Opening ceremonies began at 9am where they had speakers and music. And then we were off. For the next few hours, we walked and talked. At my weight, I struggled to keep up. At the end of it, I was victorious. As were the rest of the attendees.

I had accomplished more than just the walk. I had come to terms and shed a few tears over my struggle with suicide. It was soothing to come together with people that knew. Nothing is scarier than thinking you’re alone in the world. When you’re proved wrong, you’ll do anything to know the rest of those in your position.

If you struggle with suicial tendencies or have any connection to it at all, I suggest signing up for the Out of the Darkness walk hosted by American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They are a wonderful experience.

www.outofthedarkness.org