Ways to Comfort a Grieving Person

Accept that you can’t fix it, and please stop trying. We may so wish that we could take away the pain of grief, but unless you have a miracle, you can’t. It is when people think they can fix the problem that they say or do things that cause more pain for the bereaved.

Go to the viewing, wake or service. This is an important time for friends, co-workers, neighbors and relatives to express their condolences to the bereaved. Sign the guest registry if there is one. Months and years later family enjoys seeing who came. Share a story or memory of the person. It is okay to share a funny memory, as laughter can be quite healing.  If you can’t attend, please send a handwritten note. Often obituaries point you to the deceased’s favorite charity. No charity tells how much you gave, only that you did.

Just say you are sorry for their loss.  Leave statements such as, “she is in a better place”, “God never gives more than we can handle”, “Everything happens for a reason”. Sometimes these words can be very painful for grievers to hear. Please don’t congratulate someone on “doing so well”. That often makes them feel guilty when they are expressing their grief outwardly. This often encourages the bereaved to become Academy Award winning actors and actresses.  Remember that saying less is best, but nothing is worse.

Let them cry. Listen and just be there with them. Crying is good for the immune system.  And if they don’t cry, that is fine too. Please don’t’ go in as the ‘grief police’ judging how people appear to be grieving. What you see on the outside often doesn’t compare to what is going on inside them. The first few days grievers are often in shock anyway. How else could they make all of those difficult plans and decisions that they have to make?

Go ahead and give them a hug, if they seem to want a hug. Not everyone likes to be touched when they are sad. However many will welcome a hug over a lot of empty words. The simple touch says that you care.

Weeks after the funeral, when most have gone back to their lives, the bereaved are often feeling lonely. This can be a good time to visit. Call and ask if it okay. Bring a snack or offer to take them out for a cup of coffee or dinner.  Most grievers really appreciate it when people keep coming around, that is unless you are a member of the grief police.  Offering to take on a task is also a nice thing to do: shopping, childcare, pet care, or doing an errand, like getting groceries which often is one of the hardest places to visit especially if a parent has lost a child. There are so many reminders in the aisles. But, please don't make a promise to help or visit if you are not sinccere. Many greivers share how disappointed they were by so many who made empty promises. Only say it if you mean it. 

Create a memory book for the person if you knew many of the friends or family. Collect photos and stories from others and put them all into a scrapbook for the person. This is especially appreciated if there are young children or teens that have lost a loved one. They will treasure reading the stories and memories for years to come.

And don’t forget the holidays. This time of year can be especially difficult for a griever. If you are a close friend or family member you will probably know the most significant days. This is a great time to visit, write, invite them out or send a special card with a memory. Write, ‘I know this holiday must be very hard for you this year. I just wanted to say that I was thinking of you. “

Take care of yourself too. How helpful you are to the bereaved friend or family member if you are tired, run down and stressed? How can you lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen or a hand for helping with meals or moving if you can barely stand yourself? Make sure you are sleeping, eating, making time for family, friends, work and some fun. Remember when you travel, you have to put your oxygen mask on before you can help another.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~ Leo Buscaglia

 For more information on grief and loss please visit my website: www.griefspeaks.com

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Thank you for all you do for others and remember to take good care of yourself so you can care for another.

Lisa