MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ – Ruining the State’s Reputation One Bar Brawl At a Time

The first rule for column writing is to start with a topical and relevant hook so readers will know what the tone and premise of the piece will be. I like to do this, but am terrible at it. (At this point, regular readers of my column should be aware that 85 percent of what I write is filler. Usually I just start with a random thought and then segue seamlessly into other random thoughts until I hit my 800-word quota. The headline is all you really need to understand the article. And hopefully the pictures are entertaining. See what just happened? I padded my word count by writing 70 words about the way I pad my word count. Impressive, isn’t it?)

In any event, I’m completely bypassing the hook portion and getting right to the crux of this week’s Counter Column. Here it is: The runaway rating train that is MTV’s Jersey Shore must be stopped.

The show, which chronicles the lives of a group of party-happy beach hounds, is a rare commodity in that it supplies sex, violence, ridiculous nicknames, even more ridiculous catchphrases, sex, frequent near-nudity, violence, plate-throwing, bottle-throwing, sex, excessive drinking, violence, big hair, and – this season – an Italian setting. There’s also a ton of sex and violence. No other show in the history of television has been able to pull off as impressive a résumé. (Some have come close, however, like the numerous Real Housewives of shows or the painful-to-watch Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.) Needless to say, Jersey Shore is supremely entertaining. It also contributes to the downfall of human civilization and, more importantly, makes our state look really, really bad.

On a personal level, the show complicates my travel schedule. Whenever my wife and I tell people where we’re from, they don’t believe us.

“But your hair isn’t nearly as big as it should be,” they say to my wife before turning to me and adding, “Why don’t you have nice abs?”

It sounds like a joke, but people in the Jersey Shore viewing demographic (roughly ages 12 to 30) think the state is comprised solely of beaches, gyms, tanning salons, laundromats and nightclubs. This perception is a direct result of JWoww and her cronies and undermines the scenic beauty of our state. Can’t MTV produce shows like Jersey Swamp and Jersey Turnpike to highlight our other relevant features? (Side Note: Outsiders also have a misconception about New Jersey’s weather. They don’t seem to realize that it’s hot and humid in the summer and disturbingly cold and precipitous during the winter. While not directly related to Jersey Shore, I still find this irritating.)

My first instinct is to explain that most of the cast isn’t even from New Jersey and only spend part of the summer here to film the show. Nobody believes this. Why? Because people from New Jersey are exactly like the people on Jersey Shore, a belief based on information gathered solely by watching the show. (This is sort of like saying that all British people have square heads and bad attitudes because you’ve seen Simon Cowell on TV.) I blame Snooki specifically for this. I don’t have any reason to do so, but I’ve gone six full paragraphs without mentioning her and felt it was time.

The most depressing part of the perception Jersey Shore creates is that it’s completely accurate, right down to the fist-pump dances and heavy eye makeup. Believe me when I tell you: These things were going on at the shore long before Pauly D’s blowout hair graced TV screens or The Situation first exposed his stomach to America. The shore has always been full of shirtless guys defending the honor of a friend they were trying to kill seconds earlier and girls wearing clothes four sizes too small. (I’m using the term “clothes” loosely here. A more apt description is probably “strands of fabric.”) Just because all this stuff is true doesn’t mean it should be broadcast. Drunken debauchery at the beach used to be New Jersey’s dirty little secret; reserved for those of us who witnessed it firsthand. Because of Jersey Shore, the whole world now sees it and we New Jerseyans are left boldly denying things we know to be true. We’ve always been over-sexed, over-tanned, and over-inebriated, but now we’re forced to lie about it. Thanks a lot, MTV.

If an embarrassing reality show was the only problem NJ had, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Unfortunately we’re already referred to as “the armpit of the country” and constantly have to deal with the repercussions of being so close to New York without actually being New York. Lately, every sentence about the state includes either a reference to “GTLing” or a wisecrack about the governor who is constantly finding himself in goofy and awkward predicaments. (Like stealing helicopters for little league games and taking strange pictures.) Jersey Shore makes us look worse than we already do and should therefore be abolished before it’s too late to salvage our good name. This way we can go back to simply being “that place you pass through when driving from Philadelphia to Manhattan.” Now there’s a distinction we can all be proud of.