Get Talking: Tips for Couples on How Communicate More Effectively by Madeline M. Muise MSW

As a couples' therapist, I am a witness to the complexity relationships.

The push and pull of the contemporary struggle; the unique components of stress are issues many couple's face. Yet, every therapy session has similar beginning - an issue I inevitably anticipate, "We don't communicate, we argue all the time."

Inability to "talk it out" spawns patterns, which can be deadly to relationships. Emotions that feed each other, like fear and anger, can careen out of control. Frustration escalates; voices shrill.

Invalidation of the partner's words or behaviors is a particularly female pattern. This no-win attitude enhances mutual distress and generally encourages stalemate. Men often, counter with withdrawal or avoidance - similarly ineffective, since problems won't go away by themselves.

Another stumbling block to communication is negative interpretation. Here one partner assigns a dire motive to the other, as in the flat assertion: "He/she wants to leave me." Finally, when repeated strategies for revolution have apparently failed, somebody simply gives up.

It is imperative that individuals know their feelings. Unresolved anger, and getting stuck in it, is not unusual. Yet, anger is often a surface emotion.

What is beneath?

Here are some recommended exercises to help you start communicating more effectively.

 1. Try this exercise. Sit quietly and take a few deep breaths.

Complete these sentences:

• I feel hurt because.
• I feel afraid because..
• I feel wounded because..
• I feel sad because..

2. This is also an excellent practice for couples – each partner should share his/her feelings for 10 minutes without interruption.

 Partners seeking a more advanced level might try this four-step exercise devised by Angeles Arrien, PhD.

• I feel..(i.e. upset)
• I notice..(i.e. you're getting home from work at 8 or 9 p.m.)
• I want..(i.e. to spend 3 or 4 evenings with you a week)
• I am willing/unwilling to..(i.e. sacrifice our relationships for money/job, etc.)

Not enough can be said in regards to good communication.  Healthy relationships need a daily dose of it.

Robert Louis Stevenson said it best, "Marriage is one long conversation."

About Madeline Muise, LCSW, Director Mediation and Therapy Associates, LLC: 

Mediation and Therapy Associates specializes in helping you create a fulfilling life. We help you identify goals and develop skills to establish rewarding relationships with partners/spouses, your children, extended family and community.

Personally, I received my Bachelor’s degree from the College of St. Rose and a Master’s in Social Work from Rutgers’ the State University. In addition, I also have postgraduate training in the following areas:

• Family Systems Therapy
• Divorce Mediation, Winston Salem, North Carolina
• Advanced Mediation Training, Montclair, New Jersey and Florida
• Parent Coordination Training with Robin Deutch, PhD.
• Collaborative Law Training

I am married, have adult children and grandchildren. My hobbies include travel, sailing and the arts. 

For more information, please go to my website at: http://www.mediationandtherapyassociates.com