An Open Letter to My Deceiver

It’s not easy for me, quitting you. After all, you and I have had an on-again/off-again kind of relationship for my entire adult life. You’ve been with me through my college years, through my swingin’ singles life in NYC, moved with me to the bucolic suburbs, and provided me with energy and vitality while I carried and gave birth to two boy babies and raised them into young children.

But alas, people have been talking, the word is out, and I know that I can’t deny what some have known all along. I know what you’re really all about. And so, Diet Coke, I’m afraid we must break all ties – forever.

You see, I’ve been hearing rumors that aren’t so flattering about you, Diet Coke. I mean, it’s not like there haven’t been these kinds of stories circling around about you before – we’ve definitely been there, done that. But I suppose that these rumors are just harder for me to ignore, or maybe I’ve finally grown enough to admit that they’ve been true all along.

They say you should be called “Fat Coke” instead of “Diet Coke” – is this really true? I’ve relied on you far too often to be my guilt-free, afternoon sweet for years, and now I’m hearing it’s all a lie?! How could you do this to me….to us?

The most far-fetched rumor I’ve recently heard is that you’re sneaky enough to trick women’s hormones into thinking you’re a sweet, and you are so good at it, so suave and deceptive, that our poor, gullible hormones believe it completely and react accordingly – in short, women gain cellulite and fat – or so says the rumor. (Actually, the "rumor" is a recent study by the American Diabetes Association that has been reported in numerous media.)

I just won’t stand for this kind of deception a minute longer. How can I look myself in the mirror each night knowing this, and still carry on our relationship? It’s embarrassing to both of us, and you know.

So, Diet Coke, it is with a heavy heart but (hopefully) a soon-to-be lighter body that I bid you adieu!

I know what you’ll say, that we’ve been down this road before and I always come back begging for forgiveness and a large gulp of your fizzy yumminess – but I am committed to our break in commitment!

Okay, I’ll admit, the afternoons without you just won’t be the same. I know I’ll reach for you each day, around 2 p.m., just as I am starting to lose energy...and it will hurt at first when I see that you are nowhere to be found. It will take time to heal, maybe for both of us.

Though I suspect you’ll be fine, you’ll just go find some younger woman to deceive and carry on this kind of dysfunctional relationship with for years until she wakes up to your deception – and the vicious cycle will continue.

I’ll do my best to inform these women of your wily ways, but like me they’ll have to come to terms with this on their own, and in their time. It will be painful to watch others after me be hurt by you, Diet Coke, and though I’ll want to smack that can out of each young woman’s hand, I’ll bite my tongue, swallow my tears, and walk away.

…..but not before I have one final gulp of you, Diet Coke!

— Laurie Zlotnick lives and writes in Maplewood, NJ with her husband and two young sons.