Colonoscopy App for the iPhone?

If you've ever felt the compelling need to confirm the fact that your heart health makes Boss Hogg look like Lance Armstrong, help is at hand.

Instant Heart Rate is a fascinating app that lets you check your heart rate by using your phone's built-in camera. Simply place your finger over the lens, wait for 10 seconds, and your heart rate reading will appear on the screen. The app works by detecting subtle changes in the color of the index finger every time your heart beats, so the next time you're stuffing your face with a Krispy Kreme you'll be able to detect just how close to flatlining you actually are.

So what other apps can we expect in the health field? As smart phones get more advanced and health insurance beyond the "Witch Doctor" plan gets more expensive for ordinary people, it seems likely they'll be used for increasingly elaborate health and medical related purposes. Here's a list of 7 apps I'd like to see appear in the App Store next year.

1. iColonoscopy. Simply insert your smart-phone into the appropriate place for an instant colonoscopy. Images are directly uploaded to Flickr where they'll be analyzed by a trained medical professional from a Canadian online pharmacy.

2. iGum. Pacify a teething child by placing your iPhone in the freezer for 2 hours and allowing them to bite on it, all while colorful pictures of farmyard animals fill the screen.

3. iEbola. This app transforms your iPhone screen into a pocket mirror to monitor for early warning signs of Ebola. If any mysterious boils appear on your face, the app immediately dials 911 and then plays a reassuring recorded message saying everything will be ok when the call is inevitably dropped by the AT&T network.

4. iInsure. Simply shake your phone before any doctor appointment to generate a random 5 digit number that will invariably represent the out-of-pocket dollar amount you have to pay your insurance company, irrespective of the treatment you are receiving.

5. iSue. This innovative app secretly captures live video every time you visit the doctor to ensure that any mistakes or errors are captured in the event you need to file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Works great at dentists too!

6. iNumb. Need some post-surgery painkillers fast but the insurance company won't foot the bill? No problem! This handy app utilizes the iPhone's GPS capabilities to locate the nearest street-corner prescription drug dealers in your neighborhood.

7. iWasBorn - Captures and stores a digital record of your baby's birth certificate in the event he/she one day decides to run for President and is challenged to release the appropriate documents to a gang of frothing nutters.

8. Angry Kurds. Show your support for the revolutions in the Middle East by catapaulting cartoon figures across the screen to destroy military installations and return your country to full health.

Read more from Jonathan Hills at The Spinning Hamster.