Teenage Angst and How to Deal

It seems like it happened overnight.

That sweet child who used to ask for help with homework and let you kiss them goodnight transformed into an eye-rolling, angry young adult that is seemingly always locked and loaded with a rude comment or a cold shoulder.

Tensions quickly begin to rise at home as simple tasks - clean your room, do your homework, do not give into peer pressure - morph into vicious battles.

As a parent, you are left trying to balance the independence they crave with the attention and guidance they still need. So how do you manage that without causing World War III to erupt in your living room?

It's all about understanding brain development, picking your battles and allowing natural consequences, said Ellen Ninger, a guidance counselor at Matawan Regional High School, during the second installment of Talks on Tuesday.

Brain Development

According to Ninger, although society considers people adults at age 18, ares of the brain essential to decision making are not fully developed until a person is about 25-years-old. The prefrontal cortex is a portion of the brain located at the front of the skull which controls the executive function. The executive function controls the ability to differentiate between good and bad, social behavior, working toward a goal, understanding consequences and the ability to differentiate between conflicting thoughts.

This means, according to Ninger, that teenagers do not think and act like adults. They interpret body language, tone and attitude differently and are more impulsive.

"We look at teens as being smaller versions of ourselves and they're not," Ninger said. "Their brain chemistry is 1,000% different."

Teenagers do not understand how their actions affect one another and can have difficulty with planning, memory and organization. Between the hormonal changes and the development of the prefrontal cortex, teenagers are moody, Ninger explained.

Allowing Natural Consequences 

The development of the brain is not an excuse for a teenager to act out, however, Ninger said. It is just one element of your teen and a helpul insight into understanding why certain approaches and punishments will not be as effective of others.

Teenagers are desperate for independence, because even though mentally they are still young, physically they often look and feel like an adult. They will become angry when rules are enforced that they view as "childish" and want to make their own decisions.

Ninger used the example of a teenager not completing assigned homework. Not doing the homework will lead to poor grades, which often leads to the teenager being yelled at, grounded or having their cell phone taken away. But when these punishments aren't working, it can be a sign that not doing homework is more of a power struggle at home than anything else. Removing yourself and allowing for natural consequences can be the healthiest response, Ninger explained.

She said when her own children were in school, one of them was not doing their homework and it was causing fighting and high levels of tension between her and her son. She felt it was destroying their relationship, so she called the school and told his teachers to fail him if he did not complete assignments. Ninger said she stopped checking on whether or not he did his work, and did not react to the poor grades he received the following marking period.

"I think he realized he didn't like getting bad grades, so he started doing his homework," Ninger explained. By removing herself, the situation was no longer about who had power in the house. It was simply between him and his teachers.

Pick Your Battles 

"If there are not natural consequences, you are doing your child an injustice. But pick your battles," Ninger said.

Ninger personally chose not to fight with her children about cleaning their rooms unless they were having overnight company. For some families, she said, that might be an important battle. For her's, however, it was one battle she just did not feel was worth it.

When You Should be Concerned

There is a difference between normal teenage angst and hormonal imbalances, Ninger said. Parents should seek help for their teenagers if they are physically or emotionally abusive, if they turn to drugs and alcohol or if they are injuring themselves.

A teenager in need of help might be cruel, sad, rebellious and unwilling to follow rules. It is important, however, to determine if they are acting this way to everyone or just this way at home. If it is just at home, then Ninger suggests allowing natural consequences to remove the power struggle within the home. If it is everywhere, then you should consider seeking help for the teenager, Ninger said.

The next will take place Tuesday, Jan. 27 at 7:30 a.m. at the high school. It will focus on academic success.