I was inspired to write today’s blog post after having the latest in what seems like an unending number of discussions about the stress generated by Facebook. Turns out, Facebook is a big-time anxiety trigger. Clients often tell me that they see others’ pictures or posts and lament that they do not measure up by comparison. Perhaps a friend posts about a big promotion, and you feel stalled in your career and jealous of her success. Maybe a friend posts amazing pictures of himself and his family on a yacht, and you feel jealous of his money. Maybe a friend looks fabulous in a picture and you envy her apparent agelessness.
In thinking about how to help people with their Facebook comparison-making, I borrowed from the work of Dr. Christopher Fairburn, who writes about comparison-making in the context of eating disorders.
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4 tips to help you cope with Facebook comparisons
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1. Ask yourself if you are making a fair comparison.
Recently a friend shared that she became extremely anxious after seeing pictures of a friend-of-a-friend’s graduate school graduation. Seeing this picture made this woman feel badly about her own slow progress through graduate school. She envied her friend’s friend, with his cap and gown and wide smile.
But was this a fair comparison? The woman admitted that she barely knew this friend-of-a-friend and had no idea what he even went to graduate school for. She also did not know anything about his life circumstances; for example, did he have children? She does—and they are not surprisingly impeding her progress towards getting her degree. So comparing herself to this friend-of-a-friend was completely unproductive; she did not have enough information to make a fair comparison.
You can also make unfair comparisons to people you know well. For example, if you work full-time, should you expect yourself to look as toned as your friend who does not work and is therefore able to spend hours at the gym every day?
2. Ask yourself why people are posting certain things on Facebook.
Would you ever post anything that made you look bad, or revealed your weaknesses? Nope—people carefully craft an image of themselves that they wish to share with others. They leave out all the parts they’d rather others not know about. For example, I’m not going to post pictures of myself next to the several dented cars I have left in my wake. And who knows if people are being truthful in their posts? There are no Facebook fact checkers!
3. If you’re comparing yourself to a Facebook friend in one area (i.e. career), compare yourself in other areas as well, such as intelligence, family/friend relationships, etc.
My guess is that most of your friends will excel in one or even two areas, but none of them will excel at all of them!
4. Ask yourself what the benefits and drawbacks of comparison-making are.Are you gaining anything from making comparisons? For example, are the comparisons serving as a helpful reminder of goals you wish to accomplish? Or are the comparisons merely serving to make you feel badly? Is there something more productive on which you can expend your mental energy?
Facebook comparisons can be an insidious source of anxiety. If you’re making comparisons, and they’ve been productive and helpful, by all means, compare away! If however comparisons are becoming a source of anxiety for you, challenge yourself with the tips described above.
Dr. Dobrow DiMarco is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety. In addition to maintaining a private practice in Millburn, she is the Assistant Director of the Rutgers Anxiety Disorders Clinic. For more information about Dr. Dobrow DiMarco, see her website: http://www.njcbt.com/
