Short Hills Resident Coaches Parents Through Hardships

Tammy Gold's oldest daughter had problems with colic and acid reflux when she was born in 2005.

"It was awful," said Gold. "She cried and cried. The formula wasn't agreeing with her. I felt helpless. Then I said I'd solve it myself."

A therapist by trade, the Short Hills resident read as much as she could about her daughter's issues, including medical journals. Pediatricians don't have the time to educate a new mother on the issues, she said, so she felt she had to learn as much as she could on her own.

There was no one for a mother to call when she needs help to come and walk her through the issues, she said. A therapist can't be there, and a baby nurse can only help the baby, she said.

It was the experience as a new, first-time mother and feeling helpless that in part made her decide she needed to do something to help other mothers. She received her coaching certification in 2007 and now she serves a market she says is empty.

"(Being a parent) is the hardest thing you can do," she said. "Other jobs they'll train you, but for this there's nothing. You have to get a license or certification for some jobs, but when I left the hospital with my daughter all I got was a pat on the back."

A baby nurse only works with the baby, she said, and people are required to go to a therapist, which might not fit into a new parents' schedule. She, however, will go to the home and work with both parents and is on call to help at all times. She'll also work with them over the phone.

"People don't understand that motherhood can be an isolating experience," she said. "We have all these (baby advertisements) that glorify motherhood, but it's also hard."

Working as a parent coach, she said, she tells mothers it's OK to feel frustrated and annoyed. She wants to give them an outlet to talk about those feelings.

"The best thing someone can do is ask for help," she said. "Many people think it's a weakness to ask for help. Tiger Woods has a coach."

There is so much pressure as a parent, Gold said, and she wants to help ease those pressures as a coach and help parents enjoy the moments.

The work isn't just with new mothers. She'll work with fathers and with both parents on their relationship with each other. It can be just as hard for both parents, but it's different, Gold said. "No one has it easier or harder," she said.

For fathers, Gold said, it's a matter of their time because they're working and don't have a whole lot of it. She'll talk with them on the phone during their commute or she'll go to their offices if she needs to. And she works with them to find the moments to share with their children.

If a father only has 10 hours per week with their children, she said, she'll work with them to make it quality time. For example, she'll have fathers be the one to wake the baby out of the crib in the morning.

"It's something they'll share every day, and it'll be a lasting memory," she said.

The economy has changed things too, Gold said, because more mothers are working. For both parents it's about finding the quality hours with their children rather than a quantity of them, she said.

"The financial worries are huge," she said. "Childcare issues are big because some people feel like they need to cut back. (Parents) feel overwhelmed and they need to talk."

She does a lot of marriage coaching on how to deal with issues such as a lost job. The questions she helps parents answer range from when is it the right time to tell the children to how to teach want versus need to a child.

Aside from the economy, the top issues are sleep training and relationship help for parents, especially new parents, Gold said. Parents need to decode who they are once they have a baby, she said.

And she also will work with teenagers and their parents. She won't speak with children, but by the time they're teenagers they can verbally express themselves, Gold said.

"I can help them hear each other better," she said of a parent-teenager relationship.

Part of the reason she decided she needed to work as a parent coach was because of her work at the Child Development Place in Bloomfield. Gold said it was hard work to undo the damage done by bad parenting.

"I felt I needed to go to the source," she said. "If I can help one mother, I feel like I am making change."

She wants to create a foundation where she can serve inner city mothers too. She feels she is living a parallel life, and her heart is with the struggling Newark mothers.

"Parenting is the great equalizer," she said. "No matter your background, there are times you feel overwhelmed and pushed the to brink."

Gold also works with parents on picking a nanny—which she says is the most important decision anyone can make—but she continues to work with both in creating a symbiotic relationship so the child continues to have a stable environment.

"Maybe (the nanny) sings the same songs to the child (as the parents)," she said. "It's so they don't feel the loss of mommy or daddy."

She sits down with a family to learn what they want from a childcare provider, amd then she'll screen 30 nanny candidates. It's a matter of knowing the right questions to ask a nanny candidate, Gold said. Additionally, a nanny might be a good match for a child, but not a good match for a parent.

It's hard to trust an agency because they get a commission, she said, but she doesn't have an incentive in who gets picked because she doesn't get any money out of it.

For a consultation, contact Jill Jensen at jill@goldparentcoaching or call 917-589-5139.