Montclair Counselor Offers Tips: How To Speak To The Bereaved

MONTCLAIR, NJ — The following article comes courtesy of Vincent Dopulos, a trauma and loss counselor and Montclair resident. Send local news tips, photos and letters to eric.kiefer@patch.com.

How do we speak to someone in grief? This is of great importance to the groups I led of bereaved people at Saint Barnabas. Comments and responses people made about death often caused greater pain and discomfort than reassurance or care. The group members were clear this was not done on purpose. None of the interchanges they referred to had the least amount of ill intent. However, what was being said to them often had the opposite effect of what was intended.

We realize people who have lost someone they loved are in some way attempting to make sense of their lives again. Our lives are built upon those we love. When they are taken from us by death we can become unsure. We can be unsure of who we are and of what has meaning in life. This can be a very difficult time.

So what do people need to hear from us when someone they loved has died? Often times, as strange as it may seem, they do not need to hear anything at all. They need to feel our presence and our support. The offer of a dinner together, a walk in a park or a ride to a nephew or niece’s softball game. Support and presence means a lot. What might actually be asked of you is to not speak of the death or maybe of anything at all. The reassurance can come from the quiet of someone willing to be with them without a need to do anything.

For others it will be different. Some people will want to talk through what it feels like to not have the deceased there. They will want to say how painful those last days were or how much they miss the deceased when they are at the grocery store or at the dinner table.

The difficult part for people in grief is we can’t know ahead of time whether they want to talk about things or not. Here is the even harder part: they may not know themselves until they try. That is the thing about grief. For those who are lucky, it is new ground that is really completely unfamiliar.

So what do we say? We can ask them how they are holding up. Following that question is the important moment of really listening. If a conversation of how their life is going follows, then staying with them, interested without any advice is what is called for. After it really feels like they are done with everything they have to say (which might be: “okay”), we can make the offer to be of help. It is usually good to be specific. If you love gardening, ask to pull weeds with them or plant or prune. If you love the kitchen, ask if you could drop off one of those quiches you have been baking. If you are a mechanic, ask to help on that carburetor or change the oil on their old classic.

Here is what we not say:

• This happened for a reason
• They’re in a better place
• This is what I did when my (…) died
• You should…
• How are you handling the…?
• How long has it been? It’s time you…

Being there for someone when they are in the pain of grief can be difficult for us and for them. But it is always worth it. They will remember those who showed up for them at this most important of times. The experience of grief is almost always lonely. Our presence is one of the greatest gifts one can hope for.

Photo: Vincent Dopulos

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