Montclair Counselor: In Order to Grow, We Must Experience Loss

MONTCLAIR, NJ — The following article comes courtesy of Vincent Dopulos, a trauma and loss counselor and Montclair resident. Send local news tips, photos and letters to eric.kiefer@patch.com.

October brings with it the season of autumn. By autumn we have had our fill of the flowers, fruit and abundance of summer. Autumn begins the course of nature fading into winter. This is the earth’s enactment of the cycle of loss and rebirth. Where we live we are fortunate to have the promise of spring, but we cannot have it without the reality of winter.

This enactment of nature gives us a way of seeing the loss we experience in our lives. To truly look at our lives is to see that loss is with us all the time. The experience we have of growth or any kind of achievement, necessarily includes within it the experience of loss. When we graduate from high school or college, the accomplishment is celebrated with joy and recognition. We have achieved something that we have worked for, and with that achievement is the reality that a portion of our life is over and is gone. We can revisit, we may even make it a part of our lives in some way, but we can never return to being that person or having that experience again. We continuously grow and change.

This is true for every level of development we see in others or live through ourselves. The child that can now walk on their own, can sit at the table with parents and siblings, does not return to the joy of the highchair and all its delightful messes. When a young professional becomes competent and is recognized in their work, they become responsible for the role they have attained. The wild times they enjoyed on the way there may not be as appropriate or perhaps even available now.

Looked at in this way, loss is a necessary part of growth, learning and fulfilling our dreams. One illustration of this is in our appreciation for the people we look to as wise. Wisdom tends to come with age and experience. We expect people we consider knowledgeable and wise to be there for us and for others with this kind of mature presence. Their achievement provides something important for us and for others. We do not expect them to behave with irresponsibility and frivolity. They are seen as people holding wisdom and truth they have earned over years. Much had to be let go of to achieve this position in the world.

This provides us with a frame to see loss as a teacher and as a path to what we long for in life. It is possible for us to look at our experience of loss as the opportunities for understanding what means the most in life. Also, for us to connect how these meaningful people, events and connections we have and those we lose, shows us who we are on the deepest of levels. It is the exploration into the feeling and meaning of everyday loss that has the potential to enrich and enliven the life we live. It is very often in the hospice organizations that a significant number of volunteers are people who have experienced the loss of someone they loved and been drawn to the importance and depth of what happened when hospice came and worked with their loved one. This is an example of seeing and feeling the depth and meaning of the experience of loss and looking to follow its teaching and its path.

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