Taking Control of City Council Hinges on Unanswered Questions

All voters should be interested in the answers to the questions submitted to the City Clerk more than one week ago There has been no reply to date and the delay is robbing the campaign of critical time to develop a realistic plan for a rapid ascension to control of City Council. The plan will be implemented commencing 8:01 pm on May 8.

Knowing the City Clerk personally, I suspect that the lack of response is attributable to her good sense, sound judgment and overall exemplary professionalism. But none of that will get my questions answered. So plan B (assuming the clerk will continue to hide behind her competance) is to answer the questions myself relying on common law — the standard for which is that I have believed that my answers are true for at least seven years (or 10 days if during an election).  Anyways, take a look at my message to the city clerk and tell me if you know any of the answers, if so inclined. 

Dear Ms. MacIntyre:

I am writing on behalf of Sam Samstie, write-in candidate for council, though I am that candidate so am also writing as myself. As is known throughout town and is on everyone’s mind constantly, I will be joining City Council this summer after my May election. 

Though I know this to be a certainty, some of the more circumspect (their word, not mine) members of my immense staff think a few election-related technicalities need to be sorted out and confirmed. They tell me you are an expert in these matters, so I respectfully (again, their word and not mine — I don’t go for all that flattery when it comes to getting business done unless there’s a vote in it for me) submit the following questions for your response. 

1. If I do not get enough votes in any given ward to win that ward, can my votes in every ward be totaled to apply to a single ward?
2. Can I pick which ward I want all of the wards’ votes to be applied to?
3. If I win more than one ward, can I be councilman for each of them?
4. If not, can I sell my seat in any extra ward(s) I win?
5. If I do not have enough total votes to win even one ward (an impossibility, we agree, but the staff insists I ask), can I save and apply the votes I get to the next election when I run for mayor (keep that confidential, please — I am friends with Keith Hartzell). 
6. How long after I am on City Council can I take control of it?
7. Will I get my own bathroom in the new Annex building?  If the mayor’s version is built, can I have two private bathrooms? 
8. Who supplies the bottles of water at the council meetings?
9. Can I drink eggnog instead of water, even if the city supplies the water (I'll pay for both)?
10. Do I have to be any of the following while a member of council and especially at city council meetings (circle those that apply, if any): informed, reasonable, fair-minded, practical, polite (I want to have to be this way the least of these wretched choices).
11. Would you please consider voting for me? (don’t answer if you will get in trouble).
12. How far away from polls must my staff be in order to legally conduct "certain transactions" with voters to assure their support?
13. If BYOB passes and the expected and inevitable chaos immediately ensues, what measures have been taken to protect the election results so we can prove that I won at least one ward?

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. 

Sam Samstie
Write-in candidate for Council

“I agree with me and not you, but let me know what we gotta do here to work something out.”