I'm Done with Being a Care Giver!

My husband is in a wheelchair, unable to take a single step, has many of challenges and needs lots of help and support.

Until recently, that made me his primary care giver. But then, I kept reading these articles suggesting that being a caregiver can lead to stress, illness, and maybe even earlier death.

These ideas just didn't sit well with me..maybe because I am the oldest of the baby boomers and part of that aging generation that always thought we could change the world.  

So, I have decided to resign from care giving and become a "care partner" instead. 

It turns out that isolation is really what takes caregivers "down."  Giving all the time; not expecting help or even asking for it, is not so good for us. Plus, since most caregivers are women, we tend to think we must be perfect in this role....and then we are in danger of  "losing ourselves to the role."  This is not good for anyone.

I've always agreed with the writer Erica Jong who said, "Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man!"  Sorry guys....I know this is unfair to you...but we live in a culture where women tend to feel this pressure....you need to help us here.)

So, in an effort to hang in for a few more years...and change the world at the same time (Love, Peace... and do you think my tie dye t-shirt can still fit?)  I resigned from my position as care giver and decided to think of myself as a "care partner" instead. 

Research suggests that changing our thoughts or how we see ourselves can help us feel better and may lead to behavioral change. So, I explained to my husband that I need him to be my care partner and care for me in ways which are within his ability. Since we all benefit from contribution, this reminder that we are both part of a team is good for him too. At least that what's I told him. (Actually the field of Positive Psychology would agree with me here.) 

So, now there is more give and take in our relationship.  He feels valued becasue he knows he is needed and I feel less alone becasue I have my partner back...maybe in ways different than before... but still a two-way connection. 

However, the very best thing that comes from this change in titles... from giver and receiver to partners...is the fact that we both are more likely to turn our faces to the world and look for ways to form partnerships and contribute to others who need us on their team. And we are less likely to hesitate in asking for or accepting help from the millions of potential care partners who are willing to be on our team.

Princeton is a wonderful place to be a care partner because it is a community that extends itself to others. Without hesitation the people here join our care partner team on a daily basis...and as partners on the team of humankind.

So, thanks to those two women at Main Street who jumped up and held the two doors when I got stuck getting my husband and his wheelchair out of the restaurant today.  And thanks to the people at Bon Apetit who every morning wheel my husband into the cafe to meet his buddies, the "Romeos," for breakfast. (Relax...it actually stands for "Retired Old Men Eating Out.") 

These care partners not only help my husband feel valued and welcome...they help me get to work on time! And the Romeros are the very essence of the concept of care partnerhips.  They each look out and support one another...and in doing so, remind us all that we are part of a community and worldwide care partner team. 

I've always believed, "The wider our webs of connectedness the higher we each bounce." As a former care giver and now a care partner....I believe it even more.  Teena Cahill www.teenacahill.com