Therapist Helps Couples Recover the Spark

With Valentine's Day a mere two days away, Elaine Braff, a South Orange "expressive therapist" who uses modalities such as art, dance and role playing and specializes in couples therapy, has been quite busy.

"Valentine's Day can be an upsetting occasion for some couples because they have lost that loving feeling for each other," said Braff, who has been practicing therapy for over 30 years. "With the current economic recession and the loss of jobs, people are feeling insecure and anxious." Not the ideal combination for couples looking to maintain the spark in their marriage while juggling a job search and family responsibilities.

Braff knows a thing or two about the struggles that many couples experience. After 18 years of marriage and two children, her first marriage came to an end. She has been married to her second husband, Hal, for more than 21 years. Between the two of them, they have six children—including Hal's son, actor Zach Braff—and nine grandchildren. "My experience has allowed me to be very helpful to others going through it," she said, adding that she "wanted to help others live to their full potential and create joyful, peaceful, loving relationships. I am grateful that I love my work."

Braff's clients, who live in South Orange and surrounding towns including Maplewood, Montclair and Millburn, share the same issues as couples all over the country, she said. One common complaint is the division of labor. "When both spouses work, many husbands still expect the wife to do all the housekeeping and take care of the children," said Braff. "Many fights occur because the wife is not satisfied with the amount of household chores the husband is doing and the amount of help she gets from him with the kids." 

She also points to the breakdown of communication in modern life. "At night, one is watching TV while the other is on the computer. They don't go to bed at the same time. Communication is sparse. Intimacy and sex start to disappear."  

While Braff admits that the picture she has painted is rather dismal, she doesn't want anyone to give up hope. "Couples find that when each one takes responsibility for their part in the dysfunction of their relationship and they commit themselves to working on their marriage, they are able to rekindle the spark that was present in the beginning."      

Braff shared tips on making Valentine's Day special:

• Compliment your spouse—women especially like it.
• Plan the evening ahead of time. Take time to pick out a special gift.
• Tell your partner what attracted you to him/her.
• Write your partner a love letter and read it to him/her.  
• Flirt with your mate to be playful and romantic.
• Let go of resentments and forgive.
• Be agreeable. If your partner makes a suggestion, say yes and add what you want to do.
• Be interested and interesting.
• Be grateful for what's offered and lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed.
• Give your partner a coupon that says you will do a chore for him/her.

Braff emphasizes that Valentine's Day is just one day out of the year. She recommends finding out what you can do on a daily basis to make your partner feel loved, such as offering a hug, bringing them coffee in the morning, calling during the day to say 'I love you', or writing love notes. "This allows spouses to put love deposits in the emotional bank account. It takes five positive experiences to neutralize one negative one," says Braff.      

Of course, coming home with a dozen roses or a gift certificate for a massage doesn't hurt either.

Elaine Braff is a therapist in South Orange. She and her husband, Hal Braff, are Master PAIRS Leaders. PAIRS stands for Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills. It's a nationally renowned marriage education course that teaches communication skills, conflict resolution skills, self understanding and emotional literacy in a safe, fun and warm classroom setting. They are offering a Passage to Intimacy Weekend Workshop on March 20 and 21. For more information, call 973-763-0181.