Making Divorce a Little Less Painful for Children

Being a grief specialist, I am often asked by teachers, counselors, parents, teens and acquaintances about how to help children through a divorce. I have acquired information which is on my website, yet I also draw from my own experiences. My parents got divorced amicably when I was in college and I also went through a divorce about 8 years ago when my four children were between the ages of 5-14. When I was first going through the divorce many people would want to share with me their "war stories" about their own or someone else's divorce. I always stopped them as soon as they began and would ask, "Wait, is this going to be a positive story?" They, of course, looked puzzled and would always laugh sarcastically and say, "of course not, it's a divorce!"  I would stop them and tell them that unless they had one with a good ending I didn't want to hear it. This stopped many mid-sentence. Needless to say, I heard very few divorce stories that year. I would then tell them that I was going to have a "good" divorce  (although that sounds like an oxymoron) which always made them laugh out loud,  but what I meant is that it would be respectful and as kind as possible since we had 4 children together who would have plenty of birthday parties, recitals, sporting events, school events and hopefully other memorable events in the future that both of us would want to attend.

I knew that I didn't want it to be like some families that I knew where the divorced parents couldn't even be in the same room together without fighting, even years after their divorce. That just made a mess for everyone, especially for the children.  My own parents had been divorced for 5 years when they both walked me down the aisle at my first wedding and sat together and were very cordial to one another. I appreciated that more than anyone would ever know. Since then I have heard many different stories in which children, teens and adults have experienced much pain and confusion and sadness when people who once loved one another deeply could no longer stand the site of one another. I never was able to understand that. We all make mistakes and some are worse mistakes than others, but at some point if we don't learn to forgive we only hurt ourselves. The best definition of forgiveness I ever heard was from the Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman, which says, "Forgiveness is the letting go of the hope of a different yesterday".

 When my own divorce was final, the Union County judge who divorced us told Manny and I, that we were the nicest people he had ever done a divorce for. He told us that we should teach other people about getting divorced in a respectful manner. Our response was to say, "Thank you, we try because we have 4 kids together and they are the most important." I did have a good divorce and we continue to have a good relationship. We have gone to dinner with the kids together and had a good time. I don't say anything negative about my children's dad to them or to anyone for that matter. We don't fight and we both love our children very much. I am remarried and my former husband has a very nice girl friend and we all get along very well.  We have holiday dinners together and it is a lot of fun. My kids have told me over the years that they are glad that we get along so well. It just makes a very tough situation a bit less stressful.

So what are the main things to keep in mind if you are going through or have gone through a divorce with children?

 Conflict between parents: Witnessing conflict can be particularly confusing to the children as they love both of their parents and are often torn in their loyalties to each of them. Don't make them choose one over the other. It is often impossible to shield them from all parental conflict, it's important to do so as much as possible. You must put your children first by keeping them away from such discussions. Never complain to your child about the other parent and do not have the child deliver messages.

Pushing children to be "little adults": Separation and divorce often can lead the single parents to take on an increased workload and more responsibility in the home. Children of divorce often take on more responsibility, independence, and interdependence. However, this is not all bad and can be a positive aspect of divorce if done in moderation. Problems come when children are put in a position to take on more than they can emotionally or developmentally handle. Sometimes this happens if an adult leans on the older son or daughter for emotional support or to be a "confidante". Don’t' tell a young man that he is the "man of the house" now or that the oldest daughter needs to be the "little woman" and have to take over all of her now absent mom's responsibilities. Children will often try to meet their parent's need for support, however often at the risk of growing up feeling inadequate, as they were psychologically unable to take on such an adult role. Parents can help children by being careful about not overloading responsibilities on their children and allowing them to have fun. Parents also help their children when they have their own adult support network to get their needs met for emotional support and companionship.

More on Helping Teens through Divorce next Blog.

Two good books on the subject is: The Divorce Helpbook for Kids and The Divorce Helpbook for Teens by Cynthia MacGregor

 I also recommend Conscious Divorce: Ending a Marriage with Integrity by Susan Allison and Spiritual Divorce : Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford

 “Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.”  ~ Richard L. Evans

For more information on grief and loss visit my website: www.griefspeaks.com

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 Take care of yourself, and your children. Be kind to those who are going through a divorce. Acknowledge it and take a few minutes to listen. Be extra kind and extra patient. A divorce is a loss on many levels and people are grieving in different ways and for different reasons.

Lisa