Signs of Grief in Children and Teens

Grieving children and teens need understanding and caring adults in their lives. Supporting a grieving child or teen during and following a loss experience can make a huge difference in their lives. Too often children are overlooked during a crisis  and must do their grieving alone and often much later in life. These unhealed wounds often become more complicated over time. Supporting children through their grief process will help this child have a better chance to find his/her own healing and learn to integrate their loss in healthy ways.

"Children are no strangers to grief. Even infants and toddlers react to loss. When younger children are shielded from death, silence doesn't take away their pain; it only increases their sense of isolation and abandonment. As adult we need to understand their concerns, their fantasies, their images of death. We need to acknowledge their fears as real- they are! Above all we must utilize teachable moments to talk about death in reaching out to children in this, the most profound and far reaching changes of their lives." Earl Grollman, author and  founder of the Good Grief Program of Boston.

When it comes to grieving, even the most articulate child or teen may express grief through verbal, emotional and physical behaviors. Each child and teen is unique and expresses grief in his/her own way. There is a wide range of normal behaviors following a loss. Here are some normal behaviors that may be signs of grief in children:

Emotional or Social Behaviors: Agitation, angry outbursts, anxiety, crying, depressed mood, avoidance of crowds/groups, guilt, indecisiveness, irritability, lack of initiative, loss of interest in life, loss of self-esteem, moodiness, focused on past, restlessness, sadness, withdrawn from relationships, overreacting to situations, noncompliance with adults, clowning around.

Physical Behaviors: Accident prone, sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, stomach aches and head aches (can't be explained by physician), non-serious, recurrent illnesses such as colds, sore throats, muscle tightness, older children wanting to do babyish things,   aggressive behaviors, clinging to others, touching people frequently, fatigue, wanting to rip and destroy things.

Verbal Behaviors: Talking about the loss a lot, not talking about loss at all, asking many questions, not asking any questions, wanting to hear the story of the loss over and over or not wanting to hear about it at all. Wishing to be with the deceased. Engaging attention by talking a lot. Saying silly or clownish things. Talking about nighttime dreams. Voicing fears about anything and everything. Voicing worries about safety, other people getting sick or dying.

Intellectual Behaviors: Confused thinking, difficulty concentrating, disbelief, forgetfulness, lack of attention to detail, loss of creativity, easily distracted, loss of productivity, memory loss, over-achievement, under-achievement.

Worrisome Behaviors: These behaviors may indicate that extra support may be needed: Dangerous risk taking, threatening to hurt self or others, self destructive behaviors, violent play, total withdrawal from people and environment, a dramatic change in personality or functioning over a long period of time or any of the "normal behaviors" happening over a very long time or to an extreme.

A special note about suicide: When a child or teen speaks about wanting to die or taking her or her own life, always take it seriously and seek professional help immediately.

There are many ways adult can support a grieving child or teen. Doing or not doing certain things can make an important difference in these children's lives. Stay tuned for learning helpful ways to support grieving children and teens in the next blog. For further information also check out my website: www.griefspeaks.com  

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." ~ Rabbi Earl Grollman

A Few Helpful books:

Supporting Children and Teens Through Grief and Loss: A Guide for Parents (also A Guide for Teachers) by The Center for Grieving Children

The Grieving Child  and The Grieving Teen by Helen Fitzgerald

Bereaved Children and Teens edited by Earl Grollman

Thank you for reading and feel free to share comments or ask questions that I will be glad to address in future blogs.

Lisa