So, "How Are You?"

How many times a day do you ask someone, “How are you?” without really meaning it or waiting for a reply? How often are you asked, "How are you?" by someone and before you can even respond the person has waked away.

 Please don’t ask that question unless you really want to know and have some time, in case the person wants to really share how they are.

 As a grief counselor and grief educator, so often grievers have shared their hurt and pain at being asked this question casually by people who don’t really seem to want to know. Some have started to courageously share how they have been since a loss, and as they begin to talk, the person has already walked by. That can be very hurtful for a griever and be enough to make them not share the next time someone were to ask. So most grievers wind up lying since it's just easier to say, "I'm fine".

I know a pastor who shared with me this story that I will never forget. He was in his church one morning, when a member of his congregation stopped by and in passing asked, “How are you?” The pastor responded with, “Do you have about an hour?” The congregant said yes and sat down in the pastor’s office. The pastor was shocked and heartbroken, as thirty minutes prior he had received a call from his brother telling him that his teenage niece had tragically died by suicide early that morning in another country. He wound up talking and sharing his pain for about an hour and the congregant listened with loving compassion. The pastor was so very grateful for that person asking and truly wanting to know and made the time to listen. After sharing this story with me, he smiled and told me that he often wonders if that person will ever ask another person, “How are you?” after that experience.

Not everyone wants to share how he or she really is. Some will say "fine" as they dont' want to talk about it. Others when asked how they are after a tragic loss may reply with an abrupt, “How do you think I am after this?” However, most people appreciate it when someone is sincere and asks how they are and sticks around long enough to hear the response.  

So, if you don’t want to hear how someone is or don’t have the time, simply just say, “Hi” or “Nice to see you today”.

I have attached a YouTube video on this subject starring two of our dogs, Miles and Cody. They have made about 30 videos so far on the topic of grief and loss. To see others simply click on this link for Griefspeaker on YouTube.

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."
— Henry David Thoreau

Thanks for caring,

Lisa

www.griefspeaks.com

Download the movie