What To Say to Someone After a Loss?

"Coping with death is never easy. It comes at the wrong times to all the wrong people: to parents who lose precious children, to newlyweds and lifelong couples, to brother and sisters. It may be expected or sudden, through every imaginable illness or by suicide, murder or terrible accident. Even the deaths of those who say they are "ready to go" are no easier for the greiving families and friends left behind," writes Lynn Kelly in her wonderful little book called Don't Ask for the Dead Man's Golf Clubs, what to do and say and what not to when a friend loses a loved one. 

Loss can leave us in the dark about how to help a grieving friend, loved one, classmate or colleague. What can one say to someone who is grieving? Are there things that many find unhelpful to say? Are we better off saying nothing at all?

Many people are fearful of saying the wrong thing to someone who is grieving, so they choose to remain silent or avoid the person completely. Our silence and avoidance may leave the griever feeling more alone and isolated. Knowing what comments are helpful, or not helpful, may allow us to be more supportive. It is important not to minimize, intellectualize or deny a grievers' feelings. Remember that a loss is experienced in our heart but we often speak to people's heads about it.

I have found the least helpful, yet most common, comment that grievers hear is, "I know how you feel." Please think before saying these words. Can we really know how someone is feeling? Even if you and I have both lost our mothers, we still don't know exactly how each one of us feels. Relationships are all different and so are the loss experiences around them. This comment usually hurts or annoys.

Some other unhelpful comments after a death may be:

• "He is in a better place." (Many feel their best place was with them. Even if you believe this, I find it better to allow the griever to speak these words, if they so believe.  I have heard many bereaved parents get very angry at well meaning folks who have said these words.)
• "He lived a long life." (When we love someone is it ever long enough? When people ask the age of our loved one, it may feel that our grief is minimized if the person was older. Remember that we have had them in our lives that much longer. We have grown used to the person being there. )
• "Be strong." (That sounds like 'Don't cry, or don't express feelings. These words hold back many from mourning (expressing their grief). Men and young men are often told this as a command. Many then go on to avoid or numb their pain as they may feel pressured not to express their true feelings from fear of appearing weak.
• "You should be over it by now." (There is no time-line for grief. Each person grieves in their own way, and own time). Although there is now something known as prolonged grief or complicated grief. More on that in another post.

We worry about the right thing to say, but more important than the actual words is letting the person know that you are genuinely concerned. Be honest but don't go overboard.  It helps to share a memory of the person if you knew him/her. Grievers often share that it's okay if the words bring tears to their eyes. It has been said that crying is part of the healing. Don't be afraid if you cry as well. That shows how much the person meant to you as well. Many find comfort knowing that their friends care enough to cry. Talk about the person who died. Share fond memories. You may want to write down some memories especially if children are affected by the loss. Later on they can make a memory book with all the memories donated from others who knew their loved one.

Don't be afraid to say his/her name because you think saying it will cause pain. The pain is already there.  A friend of mine who lost her daughter Kate last year handed out the following on a card to friends: "The Mention of My Child's Name: The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend let me hear the beautiful music of my child's name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

Some helpful responses may be:

• "I can't imagine how hard this may be for you.
• "I am so sorry about your loss."
• "I'm here, and I can listen. Take all the time you need."
• "Thank you for sharing your feelings."
• "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I care."

Sometimes the best thing to do is to just show up and just be present and listen. Listening can be the greatest gift of all that we can give to someone going through loss. Many grievers talk about the few who knew how to be compassionate companions and simply sat patiently and quietly beside them, allowing them to experience all of their feelings and thoughts. We live in a 'doing' society, yet often it is in the being that we can be of the most service to others. A healing presence is one of the most meaningful gifts we can give someone in grief.

If you live too far away to make a personal visit, call or write. Even if it's been a long time since you last saw or spoke to the person, it is still better to do something than to do nothing. The message that you care is what really matters.

Books:

Don't Ask For The Dead Man's Golf Clubs: What to do and say and what not to when a friend loses a loved one by Lynn Kelly.

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert

Quote: by Henri Nouwen:"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”

For more information on coping with grief and loss for a child, teen or adult, please visit my website: www.griefspeaks.com.

Take care,

Lisa