When I Became the Parent to My Dad

I will never forget the day I told my dad that he had to give up his car keys. It is etched in my memory as one of the saddest days in my life. He was 85 at the time, had vision loss from glaucoma and the beginnings of dementia. In his mind, he was 22 years old, in perfect health and posed no threat on the road at all.

Getting to this point was a long journey and my family played by the book. We spoke to his doctor who told him it wasn't safe to drive. His response, "what did the doctor know?" We took him to have a driving evaluation by a rehab facility and he failed. His response, "the test was ridiculous, no one could pass." We offered to chip in and provide him with taxi service for a birthday gift - "a waste of money."

The breaking point came when he overshot a parking spot and his car ended up in a ditch. Luckily no one was hurt, but the police had to be called and his car towed. Even after this, he refused, or his dementia prevented, his judgment from kicking in and letting him admit the time had come for him to stop driving.

When I told him that it was just too unfair and too unsafe to innocent people for him to remain behind the wheel, his response was "then, just put me in the grave." It broke my heart and it still haunts me, but it had to be done and he did stop driving.

I am sure I am not alone in this experience and these feelings. In my role as Executive Director of Caregiver Volunteers of Central Jersey, I hear everyday from adult children struggling with issues.

Mom and dad want to stay independent, but they can't always take time off from work to drive them to their medical appointments. They don't live close, so worry how they will get their groceries. Now that mom or dad are no longer driving, they are so lonely and getting depressed. Many of our calls call from adult children who now are full time caregivers for their parent who has dementia and they just need a break.

Believe me, I get it. I experienced it with my dad and now I am living with my mother who has Alzheimer's disease. I know firsthand the challenges that caregivers face.

My dad died in 2011 and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him and think about him. I wish I didn't carry the guilt of telling him he couldn't drive, but I know it had to be done.

If you need help with your mom and dad, give us a call. We offer a variety of free services including medical transportation, grocery shopping, friendly visits and respite care that just may lighten your load. We also can refer you to other resources which offer assistance.

You don't have to go it alone - get in touch- Caregiver Volunteers of Central Jersey 732.505.2273, Email: info@caregivervolunteers.org on the web - www.caregivervolunteers.org and on Facebook www.facebook.com/caregivervolunteers.