Am I Sybil? My Ups, Downs and Personalities While Looking for Work

So I still don’t have a job.  At this point, it’s getting harder for me to believe that I ever will have a job.  This is really sinking deeply into the core of my being. 

For example, sometimes I want to buy an attractive new skirt or a professional-looking jacket; but then I’ll think, “Why?  Why buy nice clothes when I don’t need them?”  Or I’ll be annoyed with myself because I’m staying up too late at night, but then I’ll think, “Why shouldn’t I?  I don’t have to get up in the morning for anything.” 

This is bad; I think it reflects a loss of hope, as if I'm giving up.

Then my mind wanders to the questions I wish I had the answers to but don’t.  Questions like:

1. What do they think of me at companies where I’ve applied (and been turned down) multiple times?  Do they feel like I’m harassing them, like I’m not getting the hint?
2. Is it possible that a company from which I’ve been laid off or by whom I’ve been given a separation package will ever actually rehire me?
3. Why, specifically, was I not selected for a job for which I interviewed?
4. If I don’t hear from a company shortly after I apply, is it a pretty safe bet that they’re not interested in interviewing me?  Am I giving myself false hope when I think that I still have a chance as long as it says “resume under review” at their website?
5. If networking is all it’s cracked up to be, then why do some people I contact, whom I’ve known and/or worked with for years, ignore me or act like they can’t be bothered to help me?

This line of thinking gets depressing, so I always cut it off before I’m sucked into it too deeply.

Then there’s the other part of me that remains optimistic and determined.  For example, I attended a great presentation last week by career coach Dr. Colleen Georges (www.colleenscareercreations.com) on the subject of “Job Search Strategies in Today’s Economy.”  I learned a lot of useful tips from her and I’ve been exploring them this week.

This me has put up all my outside Christmas decorations, probably a record for earliness (for me).  For the first time in years, I’m displaying a sweet old-fashioned ceramic Christmas tree that I made 28 years ago (when I was in grade school, of course).  I plan to have a peaceful, blessed, meaningful Christmas.

Still, it feels like I’ve developed multiple personalities.  I’m never sure who or how I’ll be from one day to the next.

There’s the discouraged, pessimistic me who figures there’s no point to buying new clothes or keeping regular hours.  This one secretly snacks on almond M&Ms because their sweet crunchiness somehow offsets my jobless stress.

Then there’s the other me, the hopeful one who keeps going to job-hunting talks and other outside events where I can make new contacts.  This me regularly applies for interesting jobs, conscientiously tailoring my cover letter to each individual employer and position, following up on each one to express my interest.

But then the first me wonders if I should sell the house I’ve lived in for nearly 30 years to buy something smaller, with lower expenses.

Is this really multiple personalities?  Or, as I suspect, am I simply making appropriate psychological adjustments, preparing myself for a future reality?